Take care of yourself.

In the past few weeks, a situation with a close cousin of mine has come fully into the light and I think there are some hard lessons here to share.

My cousin “Rob” (not his real name, obviously) is very close to my age. He was married for nearly 30 years, 3 daughters in high school and he built highly successful business starting at age 22. Great guy, great fun to be around, he had a great life. We were great friends with both him and his wife and children.

And now the part you knew was coming. In the last 6 months, it all came apart. Mental illness drove addictions that drove infidelity that drove other problems and as you would predict, the whole thing ended up in a terrible mess. He’s now divorced, the business is in ruins, his daughters want nothing to do with him, and he has a long road to any kind of “recovery” because the problems are deep and long-running. To be honest, there isn’t really recovery when a situation gets this bad, it’s “survival” really.

I’ve reflected a lot about his situation and the only thing “good” that comes out of this is that maybe, maybe, maybe somebody hears about this and says, “Uh oh, some of that sounds like me.” And then gets some help and saves themselves.

1. If you’re an addict, get help. An addiction is ANY behavior that you can’t control. Look at yourself in the mirror. If you THINK you might have a problem, you have a problem. It doesn’t matter if you feel that this behavior “doesn’t hurt anyone”.

Also, don’t think that “addiction” only equals alcohol or drugs. I have to think that other addictions are actually worse because they are so much less talked about and treated, yet they are so terribly destructive. Think a lot more about gambling and sex-related addictions.

2. Mental health is health. Mental illness is an illness. Would you tell someone who is suffering from cancer to “Get over it and act normal”? Then don’t do it to yourself when it comes to mental health.

I look at the situation with my cousin and the root of all this he now admits is untreated mental illness. He just plain denied he had problems even though he said every day he knew he had problems. He has been waiting for his plane to crash into the mountain for years now. The really sad thing is that had he gone to his Doctor and told him, “I think I’m sick.” he would probably have saved his entire life. His issues were so obvious once he admitted he had them.

3. Value your spouse and family above all other things. If you ever have to tell yourself, “This isn’t hurting them,”, it either already IS or it’s about to.

Think about it the other way. If today your wife or partner or children KNEW the full extent of that “little thing” you’re hiding because it’s not that big of a deal or doesn’t hurt anyone, would it scare them, concern them, or hurt them? If yes, it’s a damn huge problem. Fix it. Oh and by the way, you’re not hiding it as well as you think you are.

I don’t mean this to sound preachy, but I tell you friends that when you see a wreck like this the only thing you want to do is never see something like this again. It’s so sad because it is so damn preventable. This stuff happens because of what we don’t do–take care of ourselves and admit when we have problems so we can get help.

Man, I’m just wrecked by this whole situation. Family of 5 and all 5 of them have been utterly destroyed by what happened here. If anything above sounds like you, I hope this helps somehow. If you can use any of this to help someone else, do it because you don’t want to have to go around and see them, or their wife, or their kids after the crash, believe me.

This just sucks, Grouse. I’m very sorry to hear about it. I have a friend who also had the bottom fall-out after the destruction of addiction. While he got treatment, he’s still at rock bottom and really is struggling to start his climb out of it. To make it worse he wants nothing to do with anybody, despite many attempts to reach-out. You can only get help if you want the help. And that’s the toughest thing to deal with when you have a friend or loved one going through stuff like this.

Thanks, TL.

My prayer after all this is that someone hears about this and gets help before the crash that will come.

Also, if you have a mental illness, you probably suspect or outright know something is not right. Get help just like you would if you thought you were having a heart attack.

In talking to people about the situation, it seems like most people who have mental health issues know that something is wrong. It’s not that they didn’t know, it’s that they didn’t act.

Sorry to hear about your cousin’s situation TFG. May be your best post ever!!

Its a rough deal for sure. Some people need to crash and burn before anything gets better and its an unfortunate situation for all. I have a family member thats similar and its a rough situation.

TheFamousGrouse wrote:

In talking to people about the situation, it seems like most people who have mental health issues know that something is wrong. It’s not that they didn’t know, it’s that they didn’t act.

I agree with this.
Sorry to hear about this Grouse. Its a real mess and these things have such a large fallout that is what I think addicts dont realize is that it isnt just them they are hurting. Its everyone else around them.

yes sorry to hear that.. just sad as all get out…

Great post. I wish the best for your relatives as they sort through the situations as best as they can. Rock bottom is a brutally dark place that so many people unfortunately have to hit to make meaningful changes.

To add to Grouse’s post – nobody is perfect. Being able to distinguish between being truly ill, and having typical flaws as a person is absurdly difficult and what lands a lot of people in a bad place from either not addressing a need immediately or from panicing while chasing perfection. Doing things in secret that could threaten your family’s makeup is not just a “flaw” and is some type of illness that needs immediate attention. On the other side, looking into the mirror and finding someone who is a bit out a shape or doesn’t allot time to things he should or has fallen out of touch with some people when being too busy isn’t an illness. It’s a project that you’re working on. The best strategy I’ve found for auditing myself is spending more time with my family and more time with like-minded people.

I always tell my wife that if she’s looking for perfection she is looking in the wrong place and will never find it. If she’s looking for someone who will always go to bat for her and our kids while admitting my own flaws, that’s me – or at least who I try to be.

The last perfect man got hung on the cross.
We are much like some quarterbacks we watch, we are just game (life) managers.

As much as we say sometimes people have to hit rock bottom, etc…

Guys, you don’t want to hit rock bottom.

That’s one thing that’s been abundantly clear from the situation with my cousin. Even if his situation was 10% as bad as it really is, you don’t want to hit THAT rock bottom. Do something and get help.

Growing up with a tougher crowd I’ve seen the impacts of addiction ruin lives and take lives. I have more dead buddies then I do buddies that are alive. Addiction is a mess. A couple years back I decided I wanted to quit drinking, not one day have I woke up and regretted that descion. I know many guys who struggle with alcohol but they won’t ever admit it..

TheFamousGrouse wrote:

As much as we say sometimes people have to hit rock bottom, etc…

Guys, you don’t want to hit rock bottom.

This is the exact truth! Rock bottom can bring irreversible damage and nobody wants that! Unfortunately, some do make it through the valley, but others don’t, I know as we lost a son 12 years ago. Same story, he was sitting on top of the world with everything going great, then gone! Watch and listen closely at the ones you love and take time for them! Get them help if you hear or see something! My thoughts and prayer to you TFG.

Solid post Grouse. Sorry to hear a close friend of yours is going through this, and appreciate you trying to spread some good out of it

Great post Grouse, and something we should all try and support one another on, or at least try and keep aware as mental illness and addiction are far more common than we’d like to admit.

ThunderLund78 wrote:

While he got treatment, he’s still at rock bottom and really is struggling to start his climb out of it. To make it worse he wants nothing to do with anybody, despite many attempts to reach-out.

TL I was thankfully able to help a couple friends in similar situations, and while they both seem to be coming out the other side healthy. They both have said for their continued recovery they really can’t maintain a lot of relationships from before as they can often be a trigger and they fear a relapse. We still talk and text, but I haven’t seen either one in person and probably won’t. I have come to terms that is what is best for them, and support them from afar.

bclii wrote:

This is the exact truth! Rock bottom can bring irreversible damage and nobody wants that! Unfortunately, some do make it through the valley, but others don’t, I know as we lost a son 12 years ago. Same story, he was sitting on top of the world with everything going great, then gone! Watch and listen closely at the ones you love and take time for them! Get them help if you hear or see something!

I am extremely sorry for your loss and you have my prayers. I’m glad you shared this. People need to hear it. Just like having a heart attack, addiction or mental illness is life and death serious.

The reality is that I’m very thankful that my cousin is alive. Even though there isn’t going to be any “recovery” in terms of getting back the life he had before, I have told him that he should have hope that with God’s grace and some time he will be able to slowly regain something. And since he basically has lost everything, I hope that “something” gives him hope.

Great story and no more true words spoken.
I lost my spouse and my son’s (during their most vulnerable time of their lives, beginning at 10 years old for all three) lost their mother to addiction / mental illness. Even though she still is alive – she continues with her demons.

I had plenty of friends that said, “just throw her in the ditch and move on”. In the end it was these friends that I “threw in the ditch and I moved on” because they didn’t get it nor wanted to get it.
THANK GOD kids are resilient is one thing I cannot minimize.

Someday I will write a book from a loved one’s perspective and how addiction / mental illness affects their loved ones.

I now have a wonderful partner whom my boys look up to as their “2nd” mom. Julie doesn’t take this for granted as deep down – even though they won’t say it – they miss their mom.

I wish nothing but the best for your cousin Grouse. Al-Anon helped me and can also help all those who see the addiction battles in their loved ones.

Jimmy, I appreciate your wishes, but to be honest, my skin in this game is nothing compared to yours. I appreciate you sharing this story and you have my prayers for the future for you and your sons as well as your partner and your spouse.

This whole thing came up because yesterday I was avoiding the Superbowl with a friend of mine who happens to be a doctor. He has met “Rob” before at a BBQ at our house, so I shared some of the story with him. Long story short, here’s the takeaway from “Dr. Will”…

Mental illness and addictions are common. They are not “rare diseases” like I believe a lot of us would think. He said if he adds in the standard “grade deflation” of how people downplay their own alcohol use when they answer the health questionnaire before they come into their appointment, he is certain that about ten percent of his patient population from 18 to 65 has an addiction to alcohol or drugs (legal and illegal) or both.

I’m like, no way it can’t be that high. So we quickly googled that and he’s right. His figure matches perfectly with research from the Centers for Disease Control. 10.2 percent. That’s just addiction, not mental illness. So if you add in mental illness concerns, you get the picture–it isn’t even close to rare to have these diseases.

Not only will you not be the only one who comes to your Doctor with mental health or addiction issues, you won’t even be the only he sees that DAY that has these issues.

And while we’re on the subject, Dr. Will’s wife is a pharmacist. Man, oh, man has she got some stories about just how common pill addictions are. Guys, be aware of this stuff, especially the abuse of Rx medicines by family members who it is not prescribed for. Be careful with this stuff and when you’re done with those pain pills, get them the hell out of the house.

Totally get it Grouse. It is still hard no matter what the relationship or the depth of the issue(s) at hand.

No matter what – or to what stage or relationship one is with a loved one struggling – or even past that part and on the way to sobriety – I highly recommend “Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon”. Even though I moved forward years ago – i read my daily passage as a testament to helping myself heal from the pain we see, saw, or dealing with.

Again – best wishes for your cousin grouse and he is in my prayers.

TheFamousGrouse wrote:

Jimmy, I appreciate your wishes, but to be honest, my skin in this game is nothing compared to yours. I appreciate you sharing this story and you have my prayers for the future for you and your sons as well as your partner and your spouse.

This whole thing came up because yesterday I was avoiding the Superbowl with a friend of mine who happens to be a doctor. He has met “Rob” before at a BBQ at our house, so I shared some of the story with him. Long story short, here’s the takeaway from “Dr. Will”…

Mental illness and addictions are common. They are not “rare diseases” like I believe a lot of us would think. He said if he adds in the standard “grade deflation” of how people downplay their own alcohol use when they answer the health questionnaire before they come into their appointment, he is certain that about ten percent of his patient population from 18 to 65 has an addiction to alcohol or drugs (legal and illegal) or both.

I’m like, no way it can’t be that high. So we quickly googled that and he’s right. His figure matches perfectly with research from the Centers for Disease Control. 10.2 percent. That’s just addiction, not mental illness. So if you add in mental illness concerns, you get the picture–it isn’t even close to rare to have these diseases.

Not only will you not be the only one who comes to your Doctor with mental health or addiction issues, you won’t even be the only he sees that DAY that has these issues.

And while we’re on the subject, Dr. Will’s wife is a pharmacist. Man, oh, man has she got some stories about just how common pill addictions are. Guys, be aware of this stuff, especially the abuse of Rx medicines by family members who it is not prescribed for. Be careful with this stuff and when you’re done with those pain pills, get them the hell out of the house.

This s*** has been “normalized.” I fear way more for my kids, relatives, friends, etc. of the power of pills than something that involves a needle or snorting and so on as schools and society have hammered home the dangers of that stuff for a long time. Although people still fall victim to those traditional drugs it generally brings a stigma that can at least be a deterrent. In today’s society there doesn’t seem to be the stigma around abusing pills that there should be.

My wife is an ER lead and has adamantly said that if she can give birth to kids without so much as a tablet of ibuprofen to kill pain or numb anything, than prescription pills have no place in our home. You couldn’t find an orange bottle in our house no matter where you looked, and I am still afraid of them.

I should also add that beside pain pills, the biggest pill abuse situations Dr. Will’s wife encounters is the abuse of anti-depression/anti-anxiety meds by family members. This is nearly as common as abuse of pain pills, she believes it’s because while most people understand pain pills can be addicting, they do NOT understand the addictive tendencies of these other common meds.

The bottom line is if you aren’t actively taking an Rx, get rid of it by bringing it back to your pharmacy for disposal. Do NOT jam it back in the medicine cabinet or hall closet.

Addictions tend to go hand in hand with mental illness. People self medicate, which does not work BTW, because they typically are too scared or proud to see someone for help. Especially us guys. The booze or drugs mask the pain for a bit but never solve anything. We assume we should be able to handle life and fix our own problems. Somewhere along the line it became embarrassing to get help with mental illness and if you saw a shrink you’re less than in some way. When in fact if you sat with a friend in a fish house and they said the same things as a therapist/counselor you’d claim they were a genius.

Thank you for this post Grouse. We can never have enough helpful posts and messages in our day. Or reminders at just how close the edge can be. My prayers and heart go out to your family, cousin, and especially his direct family.

Anyone who has family or friends going through these types of issues, please remember all the victims in the situation. Including the spouse and the kids. Be a good neighbor as our Lord taught us. Take the kids fishing or biking, offer to babysit…. Give someone a day off to decompress or out for a laugh. Never underestimate the good you can do for someone that needs a friend.

Sadly we all know someone on both sides of these traumatizing ordeals. Maybe even ourselves.

Great post Grouse. Lots of people have no idea of how common both addiction and Mental Illness are. As someone who has had to, and continue to deal with it with several family members, I can confirm how tough of a issue it is. There are a lot of people struggling with it without anyone being aware of it. It should not be that way. If you see someone who seems different in a way, sit down and talk with them. Often they are just waiting and looking for someone to tell and talk with. That first step in often the hardest for them to make.

You may want to offer to store his firearms till things stabilize.