Thursday Funny (LONG but very Funny) - General Discussion Forum - General Discussion Forum

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for
>> a colonoscopy.
>>
>> A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
>> lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing
>> briefly through Minneapolis.
>>
>> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
>> and patient manner.
>>
>> I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my
>> brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TU B E 17,000 FEET UP YOUR B EHIND!’
>>
>> I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a
>> product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave
>> oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that
>> we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies…
>>
>> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
>>
>> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance
>> with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was
>> chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
>>
>> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
>> together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
>> those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you
>> have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes
>> – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser,
>> with just a hint of lemon.
>>
>> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of
>> humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may
>> result.’
>>
>> This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
>> experience contact with the ground.
>>
>> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have
>> you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
>> experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode
>> had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
>> spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you
>> must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which
>> point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
>> eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
>>
>> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
>>
>> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
>> was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return
>> bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do
>> you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
>>
>> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
>> totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room
>> full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space
>> and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by
>> sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more
>> naked than when you are actually naked..
>>
>> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
>> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
>> lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
>>
>> At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered
>> what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so
>> you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
>> to burn your house.
>>
>> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
>> was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot
>> tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
>> nervous at this point.
>>
>> Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
>> something up to the needle in my hand.
>>
>> There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing
>> Queen’ by A B B A. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be
>> playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least
>> appropriate.
>>
>> ‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
>>
>> ‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more
>> than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
>> tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
>>
>> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, A B B A was yelling
>> ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was
>> back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
>>
>> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt
>> even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon
>> had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
>>
>>
>> On the subject of Colonoscopies…
>> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
>> humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
>> his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
>> 1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
>> 2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
>>
>> 3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
>>
>> 4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’
>>
>> 5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’
>>
>> 6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
>>
>> 7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
>>
>> 8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
>>
>> 9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’
>>
>> 10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
>>
>> 11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’
>>
>> 12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’
>>
>> And the best one of all:
>> 13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’