Friday humor - General Discussion Forum - General Discussion Forum

Try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
> >
> > Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> > his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
> >
> > Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
> > interest.
> >
> > The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
> > something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> > 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
> >
> > The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
> > long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
> > to retreat to safety….??
> >
> > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
> > loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> > Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
> > button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d
> > get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
> > prongs.
> >
> > AWESOME!!!
> >
> > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
> > on the face of her microwave.
> >
> > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> > it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
> >
> > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> > (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
> > that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
> > target.
> >
> > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> > second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
> > if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> > against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
> > advertised. Am I wrong?
> >
> > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
> > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> > and tazer in another.
> >
> > The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> > your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> > and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
> > purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> > water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> > batteries.
> >
> > All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″
> > long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
> > AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no
> > possible way!’
> >
> > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best …
> >
> > I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> > side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second
> > burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I
> > decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
> > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and …
> >
> > HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ….!!!
> >
> > I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
> > in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> > over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> > fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
> > on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> > my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
> >
> > The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
> > to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
> > attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
> > living room..
> >
> > Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one
> > note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
> > zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> > from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
> > second burst would be considered conservative!
> >
> > A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> > that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> > surveyed the landscape.
> >
> > My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
> > recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
> > originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> > twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
> > bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
> >
> > Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
> > sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
> > my head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my
> > testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
> >
> > P.S… My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
> > now regularly threatens me with it!
> >
> > If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
> >
> > ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS.