How do you handle this one?

Jon Jordan wrote:

At some point in the future, a week, a month or maybe a year from now I hope you find that family is more important than stuff.

-J.

Mookie Blaylock wrote:

Dang, some of you guys are tough on people.

Agreed. I’ve had similar stuff happen and I always blame myself for not communicating my expectations well enough. That is far better for me and my mental health than saying nothing on the front end and then stewing over it for weeks, blaming someone or ruining a relationship on the backend.

If I don’t want people to use my stuff, I don’t give them the opportunity to, or tell them not to. If I want money for gas, food, or bait I ask for it. And if they don’t want to ante up, that’s fine they are choosing not to participate now or moving forward. If they directly disobey my requests than I deal with that accordingly. But life is short, and family and friends are far more important to me than stuff is, so I always try and show grace and be as understanding as possible. And if people mistake my kindness for weakness, they get handled too.

So if your family or friends comes over and just takes your stuff and ruins it, you blame your self and say it’s your own fault ? That is wildly interesting.
And how is confronting some one about this some how so bad for a relationship ? That’s also crazy. People can’t take a ass chewing and get over it or what ? Sounds like the way many raise kids these days.

Bearcat89 wrote:

So if your family or friends comes over and just takes your stuff and ruins it, you blame your self and say it’s your own fault ? That is wildly interesting.
And how is confronting some one about this some how so bad for a relationship ? That’s also crazy. People can’t take a ass chewing and get over it or what ? Sounds like the way many raise kids these days.

Yeah I find that perplexing too.

After never ending issues like this with my brother, I decided to end our relationship. I haven’t spoken to him in 7 years and my life is better for it. I recently saw a report that 1 in 4 siblings are estranged. It made me feel less like an outlier with my decision to walk away.

CaptainMusky wrote:

Yeah I find that perplexing too.

You may or may not find the answer in the Lord’s Prayer.

And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive them that trespass against us

Please don’t mistake me for a bible thumper. I’m just a sinner like everyone else is. Just trying to find my way through life and not go crazy doing it.

-J.

CaptainMusky wrote:

<div class=”d4p-bbt-quote-title”>Bearcat89 wrote:</div>
So if your family or friends comes over and just takes your stuff and ruins it, you blame your self and say it’s your own fault ? That is wildly interesting.
And how is confronting some one about this some how so bad for a relationship ? That’s also crazy. People can’t take a ass chewing and get over it or what ? Sounds like the way many raise kids these days.

Yeah I find that perplexing too.

Maybe read it again, so you understand what I’m saying. I wouldn’t put myself in a position for them to come over and ruin my stuff. If I did give them the opportunity and they ruined something I wouldn’t blame them, I’d blame myself for giving them the opportunity. Or if they did it despite what I had communicated with them, then I’d have no problem confronting them. And in either scenario it would take a lot of disrespect to want to ruin a relationship like many had said they would, certainly not over material things like the amount of tread on a tire. Make sense?

Jon Jordan wrote:

<div class=”d4p-bbt-quote-title”>CaptainMusky wrote:</div>
Yeah I find that perplexing too.

You may or may not find the answer in the Lord’s Prayer.

And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive them that trespass against us

Please don’t mistake me for a bible thumper. I’m just a sinner like everyone else is. Just trying to find my way through life and not go crazy doing it.

-J.

I get where you are coming from. But that means you let everyone disrespect you and your ok with it ? I would hope not. And the situation at hand is nothing more then major disrespect

Maybe read it again, so you understand what I’m saying. I wouldn’t put myself in a position for them to come over and ruin my stuff. If I did give them the opportunity and they ruined something I wouldn’t blame them, I’d blame myself for giving them the opportunity. Or if they did it despite what I had communicated with them, then I’d have no problem confronting them. And in either scenario it would take a lot of disrespect to want to ruin a relationship like many had said they would, certainly not over material things like the amount of tread on a tire. Make sense?
[/quote]

Why does this have to ruin the relationship is my question?

BigWerm wrote:

Maybe read it again, so you understand what I’m saying. I wouldn’t put myself in a position for them to come over and ruin my stuff. If I did give them the opportunity and they ruined something I wouldn’t blame them, I’d blame myself for giving them the opportunity. Or if they did it despite what I had communicated with them, then I’d have no problem confronting them. And in either scenario it would take a lot of disrespect to want to ruin a relationship like many had said they would, certainly not over material things like the amount of tread on a tire. Make sense?

This situation started based on someone just taking something that wasnt their’s and potentially ruining it. Where in that scenario would you have felt the need to tell them your expectations? Do I have to tell them to not kick my dog?

Bearcat89 wrote:

Why does this have to ruin the relationship is my question?

I don’t think it does, I was referencing all the guys who said they’d have nothing to do with them anymore. That’s a ruined relationship imo.

CaptainMusky wrote:

This situation started based on someone just taking something that wasnt their’s and potentially ruining it. Where in that scenario would you have felt the need to tell them your expectations?

If you read my posts on here, you’d have your answer. On the front end, he should have established if they can use the ATV’s or not. If you let a kid or irresponsible brother, use an ATV and then are upset they beat on it, that’s your own fault. Learn from it and move on. If you didn’t give them permission and they did it anyway, figure out what makes you whole, ask for it and learn to never leave them with access to any of your stuff again.

I believe he owes you an apology and to pay for damages. Was he always this way ? Total disrespect for you and he is teaching his kid thats okay .

Don Meier wrote:

he is teaching his kid thats okay

This is the most important part to me.

Yeah, enough with the forgive and forget stuff.
Payback is what he deserves.
He knowingly damaged your property without permission.
Those individuals will not learn until it hurts.

Dude was being an a$$hole but figure out a way to work it out. I dont think losing a brother or having kids not know or see their uncles is the right route to take.

I think there can be a balance of correcting and telling him what he did wrong without losing your head. If it’s easier to communicate everything writing/typing it out, then go for that. But it definitely doesn’t do anybody favors in the short or long term to keep it bottled up and hold resentment. Life is short and family is important.
If your bro loses his head over your message, that is on him. Keep your peace and shake the dust from your feet.

I would say that by starting an emotionally fueled argument and putting your entire relationship on the line isn’t teaching kids much better behavior.

Take a step back, observe the situation from a higher level, and address the issues without emotion. It may turn into a 1-sided yelling match but at least that fissure is not on you.

Snake ii’s wrote:

Take his vehicle and beat the pi$$ out of it for the same amount of time. He will not learn until he experiences payback.
Family is the worst, no sense in trying to keep the peace.
I know from experience. I do not have any contact with my 3 brothers for various reasons.

This might be the saddest post I have read on IDO.

I think it’s pretty simple. Be adults and talk about it. If nothing comes from the other side that gives you some kind of relief/peace of mind then you move on and don’t invite them back.

I am guessing this thread just keeps bringing up heated emotion for you so, talk to him and then move on one way or the other. Life is short.

I think I’d build a key box that locked and get into the habit of putting keys to those expensive toys in it and keeping it locked. And I’d have the only key. I’d tell the wife and kids that if any other family member asks for a key to one of those toys, tell the asker to go ask you. As an adult you have to suck up some of the responsibility here for leaving keys in something that could have potentially been a whole lot worse case scenario.

I wouldn’t go nuts over this but as Ripjiggen has suggested, discuss the situation with them and if nothing gets resolved don’t invite them back.

John Rasmussen wrote:

<div class=”d4p-bbt-quote-title”>Don Meier wrote:</div>
he is teaching his kid thats okay

This is the most important part to me.

This. Why would anyone thinks it’s ok to just use something because it’s sitting there without asking? That’s ridiculous. We shouldn’t have to tell a guest what they can and cannot do when I’m not around that is backa$$words.

There’s such a fine line between “life is too short, make it work with family” and not letting yourself be taken advantage of by the same person over and over again. I don’t know your brother, but there’s no way this is “new” behavior. However you have handled him in the past is NOT how I would handle this situation, because he clearly has not learned and is now an adult with a child.

My brother wouldn’t walk in my house with clean shoes on. If he comes on a fishing outing I won’t take money or let him bring his own gear most times…but he keeps the cooler full and is on my timeline. That’s been our unofficial arrangement for 20 years

CaptainMusky wrote:

Why would anyone thinks it’s ok to just use something because it’s sitting there without asking?

Have you been to a family cabin before? Pontoons, fishing boats, canoes, paddle boards, ATV’s, golf carts, go carts, fishing equipment, nets, toys, BB guns/22’s the list is endless of stuff at them that are available to family members to use without asking every time you want to use it (edited for clarity that I didn’t think was needed), at least at the multiple family cabins we have been apart of over the years.

Of course I have Bigwerm I dont live in a vacuum and NONE of my family or friends would even think of doing what has happened in this thread. I guess we were raised better.

If this pattern is habitual, the habit needs to be broken. He isn’t going to do it cause he sees nothing wrong with the status quo. It’s up to you. That means setting ground rules. He’ll bite back at them. Stand your ground. If it gets to the point where he’s such an arse to be around, time to put some distance there. That’s a hard thing for many people to do. You’ll be the bad guy. Accept he’s someone who doesn’t give two craps about you, your stuff or what you think. If you can live with that, carry on. If not, address it and own your response. Cut off the ability for him to use your stuff or take advantage of you. He doesn’t sound like the type of guy who is going to willingly do anything that isn’t all about him. Mooches mooch.

BigWerm wrote:

<div class=”d4p-bbt-quote-title”>CaptainMusky wrote:</div>
Why would anyone thinks it’s ok to just use something because it’s sitting there without asking?

Have you been to a family cabin before? Pontoons, fishing boats, canoes, paddle boards, ATV’s, golf carts, go carts, fishing equipment, nets, toys, BB guns/22’s the list is endless of stuff at them that are available to family members to use without asking, at least at the multiple family cabins we have been apart of over the years.

Never once has my family or friends taken stuff with out asking. If they have then they were punished accordingly. That’s how we raise our kids. And that’s the friendships we build on. I don’t go to a buddies house or hell even my brothers and grab stiff that ain’t mine. That’s called RESPECT. if there is no respect, then there is no relationship.
What you are describing is not what I read from the op. Sounds like HIS CABIN HIS WHEELERS HIS BOAT.

Reluctant to post but I’ll bite – few things that stick out in my mind is we don’t have the full story of the relationship and history with brother and nephew .

I borrow my uncles side by side a few times a year and every time I ask they say you don’t have to ask go ahead ! I throw some gas in it from time to time but we’re also not the type to fued over who takes 6 beers out of the cooler and who takes 3 .

People I take fishing I never expect to pay for gas or bait . I was going anyway … different when you’re talking a trip 2-3 hours away from home . Honestly my buddies and I try to split it and I’m sure someone’s always 20 bucks behind or ahead but who cares .

And the mud tires being ruined I ain’t buying … I had a Honda with ITP mud tires and it saw hundreds of miles on gravel and pavement . And there should be a filter in the air box before the carb … and I’ve ridden a Honda rancher next to wide open miles upon miles upon miles as a youth . No issues .

Ain’t here to argue – just stating my experiences in life and opinion .

I sold my BIL a trailer a few years ago thats sits in my dad shed. I wont even use that without asking. I will on the other help myself to a beer at a buddies house without asking.

isu22andy wrote:

People I take fishing I never expect to pay for gas or bait .

I don’t either. But the simple offering is always appreciated. I always offer to help with expenses when I go in someone else’s boat. I think its the respectful thing to do if I want to get invited again.

The next chance I had, I would mention to my brother, I am not sure I can afford to have you at the cabin again… that should get the ball rolling to a constructive conversation. He probably has no idea about the mud tires and certainly wouldn’t have known about the acorns. Life’s too short… air it out and move on !

BigWerm wrote:

<div class=”d4p-bbt-quote-title”>CaptainMusky wrote:</div>
Why would anyone thinks it’s ok to just use something because it’s sitting there without asking?

Have you been to a family cabin before? Pontoons, fishing boats, canoes, paddle boards, ATV’s, golf carts, go carts, fishing equipment, nets, toys, BB guns/22’s the list is endless of stuff at them that are available to family members to use without asking, at least at the multiple family cabins we have been apart of over the years.

WHAT??

I’m just going to hop in by BILs boat and take off?

This is insane…I can’t imagine in a million years any family member or friend just jumping in my pontoon, kayak, you name it without asking. and vice versa..I wouldn’t even think of doing this at my family or friends’ place.

it’s called RESPECT

stout93 wrote:

WHAT??

I’m just going to hop in by BILs boat and take off?

Bearcat89 wrote:

Never once has my family or friends taken stuff with out asking.

You guys are just making up scenarios now lol. The OP didn’t say if his brother and nephew had his permission or not, until questioned and he went back and edited the response (which is fine!). The only thing we know ownership of, is the ATV’s are Norsky’s.

The way it’s always worked at our family cabins, is ground rules are set and that is the expectation moving forward. You can or can’t use XYZ equipment, and once you are allowed to use it, it’s not expected that every time you want to use it moving forward you need to check in with the owner. So once my nephew is old enough to use the old john boat, he can use the old john boat without needing continual permission. If he abuses it or damages it, he deals with the consequences. Same with me, my brother and our wives with my parents pontoon, we can use it whenever we want without needing a permission slip signed. Conversely I had given my brother permission to use my fishing boat, and he messed it up one time, so he paid for the fix and didn’t get to use it anymore.