Help keeping a Daughter Safe – Self Defense Weapons

A little background. I have a 19 year old daughter who’s going to school in Duluth. She is currently sharing a house with 9 other roommates ( 4 other young women and 5 young men ) Being as she has a job that she had to work Friday evening the 23rd and Again on Monday the 26th as well as the bad weather, she was not able to come home for Christmas. My wife and I decided to drive to Duluth and spend the holiday with her. All of her other roommates went home for Christmas and were scheduled to return back on different days since it was a longer school break. The place they live is far from great when it comes to security to say the least. One night while we were staying there we were sleeping in the basement in her room. She was sleeping in one of here roommates rooms on the 1st Floor. During the night we got a call from her saying there was someone yelling somewhere outside her house but close. After checking things out and not finding where the noise was coming from it was decided that my wife and I would sleep on on the first floor with her ( Wife on the couch and me on a futon ) The rest of our trip went Fine without any more issues. My wife and I returned home on Monday afternoon and my daughter went to work. My daughter got home and into the house just fine after work ( Alone for just this one night ) None of her roommates was expected to be home before Tuesday afternoon. Around 10:30 we get a frantic ( putting it mildly ) call from my daughter saying there was someone in the house. She had heard the outside door being opened and someone walking the stairs ( one stairwell that leads to the 3 upper levels of the house ) I tell my wife to have her hang up and call 911. She was really scared and wanted to stay on the phone with us. I used my phone to call 911. I was switched to the local 911 in the Duluth area. I was told by the 911 operator to tell her to hang up with us and call 911 herself. While all this was happening she was frantically texting all her roommates in a group chat to see if anyone had decided to come home early. My daughter hung up with us and called 911 as was requested. While on the phone with them she got Info. that it was one of the Male roomates who came home earlier that was expected without letting the rest of the group know. My daughter told the 911 operator that it was just one of here roommates home early.

Sorry for the long post to this point. Just had to give the background to the reason for the post.

I stayed awake in bed for a rather long time thinking of ways I could help keep her safe had this situation been truly what my daughter thought it was. A stranger in her house while she was alone. The first thing I told her when we got the call from her was to make sure the lock to her door was locked ( Each of the rooms have a deadbolt lock ) I told her to pull her bed in front of her door, She was unable to do so, probably because of her panic and fear of making noise. It was rather scary as a parent being this far away and not being able to do anything to help her. So today I’ve been doing a little research on some Self defense items to get her. Keeping a handgun out of the options, for various reasons I don’t care to discuss. What are some things that you think are a good idea to possibly get her and to tell her. When she moved to college I got her some mace to have on her Keychain and told her to always have her car keys near here at all times so she could hit the alarm button to sound her car alarm. You know where her mace and car keys were, Hanging on a hook in the stairwell up on the 1st floor. I bet ( hope so anyway ) that she will keep both close to her from now on. A few items I’m thinking about getting her are:

More Mace to keep in her room – What brand is the best
Taser / stun Gun – I have now idea how effective these are
Noise alarm – Once again what one is best
Kubaton

Interested to hear all your thoughts.

While I empathize with your situation, thousands of kids go to school in Duluth and don’t have many serious incidents. Not trying to downplay the situation at all but most of the time it’s drunken kids who get lost and mistake another place for what they thought was theirs. I’m not saying you shouldn’t get her something to protect herself with (when my daughters get older I’m sure I will feel the same), but I wouldn’t do much more than mace. Especially if she has 9 roommates that will normally be there. I’m guessing she lives on the west side of Duluth?

Scary situation, glad it was a false alarm! Even if she was able to keep a gun there, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that many roommates. Get some Bear Spray, a rape whistle and some sort of self defense classes would be the route I’d recommend.

Seems a little excessive just because there was a person outside yelling and a roommate came home early in the house. Living with 10 people sounds like complete chaos to begin with.

I understand it’s your daughter and you’re very concerned for her safety. I would get her some more pepper spray to keep at home and in the vehicle and maybe some self defense classes would be beneficial

Living with 10 people will be complete chaos constantly . I don’t know the cost but I’d be looking at a 2-3 roommate situation. Those large houses always turn into someone having friends over for drinks and who knows who their friends are as well . Not trying to scare ya ! Many college kids go through the same situation. I lived in a house for a year with 5 of my best friends – it was a blast but I was glad to get out of there too !

isu22andy wrote:

I lived in a house for a year with 5 of my best friends – it was a blast but I was glad to get out of there too !

Ain’t that the truth! Had the same situation.

Bear spray or mace. Wouldn’t trust a 19 year old with a firearm with 10 drunken roommates. Or for her to pull it any time a noise happenes around the house

They have great deals on tasers and mace at local gun & knife shows. Crocodile Productions’ website has a list of upcoming shows. A baseball bat is handy to have in her room as well as an assortment of knives she can keep on her person. A self-defense weapon isn’t as useful if it’s not on one’s self! They make some cool bracelets that are actually knives if she’s not wearing pockets.

My brother lives in Duluth and there are some areas to stay away from (like most cities) and if she can learn which areas that will help but my brother hasn’t had many issues in the 15+ years he has lived there and he has lived in rental houses with friends when he first moved up there. I think some mace for her room is a good start as well as maybe trying to get to know the neighbors in the area she lives so if she see’s someone outside she may recognize them and not be so scared.

Is pepper spray a very good idea in an enclosed space? I guess it will get everyone equally. A taser requires training, is expensive and you can miss. A stun gun is probably more appropriate. Certainly no firearms. Knives can easily be used against you if your attacker is stronger. With those thoughts in mind, escape is the top priority or hiding. If attacked, make high amounts of noise. I bought my daughter a Louisville Slugger maybe a stun gun is the way to go. It can still be used against a weaker victim if wrestled away.

The best way to protect yourself (teenage girl or grown man) is to not get yourself in dangerous situations. I’d strongly reconsider having my daughter living with that many people. You can trust your child to make great decisions, but the reality is that it’s often not their decisions that can put them in danger. I’m not trying to scare anyone as college is an experience that many need. The baptism by fire of independence, freedom, and responsibility is a necessity for many that they will never forget and grow from.

Full disclaimer: I lived with 6 other people in college and we had a revolving door of parties, girls, chaos, you name it. Nothing terrible ever happened, but there were some fights, police visits, and one issue where a “friend of a friend” was caught stealing and left with a broken eye socket. We had fun but there’s no way I’d promote this type of living arrangement for my children. In today’s world it seems that college towns are just magnets for people not from the actual universities to come cause trouble. When I was in college those partying and whatnot still had the responsibility and investment of time + $ to the university…ie not getting kicked out. Today’s model of post secondary education seems more of take everyone’s money and it doesn’t matter who graduates and doesn’t. This too brings in rougher crowds to campus communities.

As a father of two daughters that have gone off to college, there are two things I came to understand.

Nothing will give you 100% peace of my mind. It’s so easy to assume the worst, especially with the media storm to intensify any situation to prey on scaring people. But any self defense tool is more dangerous if she is afraid or uncomfortable using it. The best is what she wants and can use with confidence. Also, make sure she knows what is legal.

Communication is the #1 tool amongst young women. The buddy system, never leave a bar or party alone, making sure the friend group knows when/where….

I was in your position a few years back. It was rewarding to see all the life lessons shine while they were gone. Both my daughters still “over” communicate with their friends and I couldn’t be happier with how tight of a friend group they each have

I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not trying to be a dick here and my wife has serious anxiety so I get it but… What you described is that absolutely nothing happened and she had a completely irrational, and more importantly ineffective, response to it if something was actually happening. She doesn’t need more weapons, she needs a plan or life skills or whatever you want to call it.

Of the things you listed mace seems like the only practical thing. Tasers and kubotan are relatively large, girls barely have usable pockets in most of their clothes and that poop isn’t going to do any good if she doesn’t have it. There’s also the question of whether she could effectively use something that requires physical contact. Mace can be very small and is ranged, one to carry and one in her room that is always there seems pretty practical.

As far as “what to do if someone comes in the house”. A door security bar for her room (those things you put under handle) would be a lot easier than moving a bed and work extremely well especially if the doors already have a deadbolt. Maybe one in bedroom and one in a bathroom or something on a lower level depending on the house layout. A video doorbell that all the roommates have access to would probably be a pretty easy sell to everybody and would answer any questions about whether it’s a roommate or not coming in without having to reveal her presence or text a bunch of people to find out. They make battery powered ones that you could install in a removable way since I assume the house is rented.

Reef W wrote:

I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not trying to be a dick here and my wife has serious anxiety so I get it but… What you described is that absolutely nothing happened and she had a completely irrational, and more importantly ineffective, response to it if something was actually happening. She doesn’t need more weapons, she needs a plan or life skills or whatever you want to call it.

This. You mean well because you care so much for your daughter and want her to be safe; at the same time things that communicate “the world is unsafe” actually make these feelings worse rather than better. She already has the best tool for a city like Duluth: her cellphone to call 911.

Being safe and feeling safe are separate things. It’s likely that she is quite safe (thankfully), but she feels unsafe, and feeling that way is a kind of unnecessary suffering. Ask her to consider seeing someone about the anxiety. I did one of my internships with UMD Counseling Center, this is one of the more common issues for which they provide help.
https://health-services.d.umn.edu/counseling-services

I personally would have issues with the following – 10 people in the same house and Duluth. Having that many people including their friends will open the door to 20-30 people coming and going. Maybe look into a smaller rental for her to stay at next semester to minimize the exposure of people coming and going through a revolving door. As a parent you don’t want to have your kid worried about every noise they hear while feeling the need to have a mace bottle or stun gun at their side.

I would send her to trade school. Seriously though, no guns in that situation without proper training. Also, does her room “lock” with an exterior door or…? 10 people in a house, is too much to keep track of and not hear “bumps” in the night. Good luck.

Reef is spot on.

what part of duluth does she live in? one idea that came to my head would be to have her, any maybe you as well, introduce yourself to the neighbors. Good chance there is an older adult neighbor that would be an asset to be able to call if a situation like this arises in the future

I’m with Reef and Michael. Use this as a learning experience that your daughter can grow from. Yes, there are bad guys out there and you need to have your wits about you — but there is not a monster lurking around every corner in life.

In a college town, a random person yelling out on the street in the middle of the night is pretty common.

buckybadger wrote:

Today’s model of post secondary education seems more of take everyone’s money and it doesn’t matter who graduates and doesn’t. This too brings in rougher crowds to campus communities.

This just could not be further from the truth. I work in higher ed and admissions standards are through the roof. 18yo me probably wouldn’t even be admitted to the U of M by today’s standards. And graduating students in 5 years max is quite literally almost the entire focus of the Undergraduate Education team at my school.

If the school she is attending has its own Police Department, I would check to see if the school has defense training such as R.A.D. These classes are typically free. Maybe the Duluth Police Department conducts some sort of self-defense training as well.

If you are leaning towards what people call Mace spray, please do some research on the different types of spray and the intended affects.

dirtywater wrote:

Use this as a learning experience that your daughter can grow from.

Sounds like she’s an advocate for the right to own guns if the police wasn’t the first and only call. Probably felt a bit helpless also in the moment. Education experience absolutely for what rights to defend the rest of her life

Time to get comfy with having a firearm or other means of defending one’s self. Takes time just like a degree, bet she’s wishing she started that education earlier in life.

Best wishes

Thanks for all the replies. Rather than try and respond to each reply, I’ll try and just post a overall reply.

As far as the whole 10 roommate issue goes, I may not have been real clear about the living situation. The 5 woman live on the basement level and the 1st Level. The young men live on the 2nd and 3rd floor. The only shared area they have is the laundry area in the Basement. So even though there are 10 people living in the house she truly only has 4 other female roommates. The Guys do get together with the girls from time to time, but for the most part they live totally separate. As far as the overall living situation I had little involvement or say so in the situation. I told my daughter I wanted her to live on Campus in the dorms for her 1st year ( Last Year ) and that I’d pay for it. After the 1st year I made a deal with her where I would pay for all or most of her school expenses and she had to pay for her own living expenses ( Housing, food, clothing, ect. ) Her and 4 other girls from the dorm who she meet last year decided they all wanted to live off campus this year. They searched around and decided on this location themselves. Their current lease runs till May. Unfortunately they recently had to decide to renew for another year or end their Lease. After looking around at other options they decided to renew for a 2nd year so they are currently under lease till May of 2024. Sadly that is how it works in these college rentals. Is crazy how expensive rental is in college towns. Ever crappy rentals.

She lives near Lower Chester Park – Seems like a lot of the college rentals are in this area. Probably not the best part of town, but college rentals tend not to be in the good parts of town and if so are crazy expensive.

It sounds like more Mace to have with her in her room is a good first step.

It was a scary situation for her and hopefully she learned a few good lessons from it.

Reef W wrote:

I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not trying to be a dick here and my wife has serious anxiety so I get it but… What you described is that absolutely nothing happened and she had a completely irrational, and more importantly ineffective, response to it if something was actually happening. She doesn’t need more weapons, she needs a plan or life skills or whatever you want to call it.

I would challenge any woman and especially a 19 year old one to act Rationally and Effective if put in a situation where they found themselves home alone in a big house with nothing more than a locked door between them and what they feel is a intruder. With or without serious anxiety I doubt many women or men for that matter would handle it well.

fishthumper wrote:

I would challenge any woman and especially a 19 year old one to act Rationally and Effective if put in a situation where they found themselves home alone in a big house with nothing more than a locked door between them and what they feel is a intruder. With or without serious anxiety I doubt many women or men for that matter would handle it well.

I agree. I think you are probably taking it not how I meant. I’m not criticizing her or blaming her, I’m just saying that’s basically the outcome of the trial run and needs to be considered when evaluating realistic solutions. Weapons are going to make you feel better but the question is will it make her feel safer and/or actually be safer.

Enroll her in Jiujitsu classes. Duluth is big enough to have this opportunity.

It will change her life and benefit her in all aspects.

There is a business outside of Proctor which has Self Defense Classes for women which might interest you. Dead On Arms has classes starting soon, like Jan 7th according to their Facebook post. I don’t know what the classes entail but might be worth exploring. I live nearby if you would like I could stop and get some details for you.

Hey wrote:

Enroll her in Jiujitsu classes. Duluth is big enough to have this opportunity.

It will change her life and benefit her in all aspects.

Agreed. This or Karate, etc. will not only protect her, but will make her more self-confident, and feel safer and happier. Get the pepper spray for now, but that isn’t always right at hand and has limited uses so is also a crutch/source of anxiety. Karate will always be with her.

Just an Armchair quarterback here. Seems to me the solution is on campus living in the dorm for the first 2 years, then move off campus. (Typically one room mate, monitored access to building.) This would give your daughter time to get settled in, focus on school. After 2 years, I would expect her to have figured out where a good place to live off campus by then.

In other words, if the current situation is bad, change the situation rather than arming for it.

-J.

Jiujitsu is not karate.

Brazilian Jiujitsu. Like the Gracies practice.

Every self defense school plus MMA fighters study this.

Look it up and enroll your kids if you have a class nearby.

2 day gun class and pepper spray, etc just make dad feel better.

Jiujitsu is a lifestyle and the best classes-education you can give a child.

Daughter just graduated from uw River Falls 2 weeks ago. She stayed on campus for the whole time. She looked at off campus and for many reasons I encouraged/insisted staying on campus. Friends she was thinking of moving off campus has issues with boyfriends squating(over staying welcome) so missed out on alot of drama. Maybe on campus not the right thing but apartment close to campus with security buzz could go along way. Pay the difference in her rent for more secure apartment.

Have her find a friend to take over lease. Location location location. Lived in some bad apartments while attending u of m grad school that I should have not to save hundred a month. Not being in the situation in the first place better then knowing how to respond. Sorry that u had to go through situation can be very disturbing being far away.
Good luck