Happy St. Patrick’s Day

St. Patrick’s Day Humor

1. A priest was traveling by car from New York to Connecticut on St. Patrick’s Day when he was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The officer approached the car and, upon smelling alcohol on the priest’s breath, asked him if he had been drinking. The priest responded that he had not. The trooper, noticing a wine bottle on the floor in the back of the car, then said, “Father, I see an empty wine bottle on the floor. Do you want to change your story?” To which the priest quickly responded, “Oh my God. He’s done it again.”
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2. Following a severe fire in an Irish pub, the County Cork fire inspector wanted to interview a few people who had been rescued from the pub and ask them if they knew the cause of the fire. The inspector approached one of the survivors, whom he knew well, asking, “Paddy, what do you think caused the fire?” Paddy answered, “I don’t know inspector. The pub was on fire when I entered it.”
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3. After a long bout of drinking, an Irish couple was sitting at a pub and, after a long silence, the man said, with his head bowed, “I love you.” His spouse looked at him and said: “Is that you or the beer talking?” He replied, “It’s me talking to the beer.”
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4. Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other woman responds proudly, “Yes, I sure am!”
The first one says, “So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?”
The other woman answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first one responds, “So am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other woman says, “A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.”
The first one says, “Fait, and it’s a small world. So did I! And what school did ya go to?”
The other woman answers, “Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course …”
The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other woman answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.
The first woman exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up at the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!”
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
Michael asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”
Brian answers, “The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

Quiz for St. Patrick’s Day
“I am Patrick, a sinner, most unlearned, the least of all the faithful, and utterly despised by many.” So begins the Confessions, or Memoirs, of the great saint who brought Christianity to the Irish. Today many will be toasting his memory and celebrating with pride their Irish heritage.
Over forty million Americans have Irish ancestors, many descended from those who fled the Great Famine of the 1840s. The ancestry of ten U.S. Presidents can be traced to Ireland, including that of Presidents’ Clinton, Reagan, Nixon, Wilson, and of course John F. Kennedy. President Andrew Jackson was the first Irish-American President.
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Here’s a quiz for St. Patty’s Day to test “how Irish you are”:
1. What mythical character did the writer W.B. Yeats like writing about (a. leprechauns, b. fairies and ghosts, c. trolls, or d. mermaids?)
2. According to legend, what are leprechauns really? (a. shoemakers, b. thieves, c. midgets, or d. magicians?
3. According to legend, where are babies and brides taken when fairies kidnap them? (a. into the mountains, b. into fairy mounds, c. into underground caves, or d. under bridges?)
4. What does kissing the Blarney Stone do for you? (a. gives you soft lips, b. gives you good luck in love, c. makes you less shy, or d. heals warts?)
5. Why do leprechauns wear green? (a. they like the color, b. as camouflage, c. it’s lucky, d. it’s the only color of dye they have?)
6. In what city was the first American St. Patrick’s Day parade held? (a. Boston, b. New York, c. Philadelphia, or d. Washington, DC)
7. Which two U.S. rivers are dyed green every St. Patrick’s Day? (a. American and Colorado, b. Chicago and San Antonio, C. Green and Tennessee, or d. Snake and Ohio?)
8. What was St. Patrick’s real name? (a. Miles Shallob, B. Michael O’Shaunessey, c. Marcus Stough, or d. Macwyn Succat?)
9. According to legend, how did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? (a. with fire and smoke, b. flooding the land, c. pounding drums, or d. all of the above?)
10. Who started the tradition of pinching anyone who doesn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day? (a. church members, b. children, c. parents, or d. no one knows?)
Answers Below:

(1) b, (2) a, (3) b, (4) c, (5) b, (6) a, (7) b, (8) d, (9) c, (10) b

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May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Bill W.
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Clearing a misunderstanding with son in-law

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home… and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened. “Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation. She never got your email!”

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