I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
> course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
> prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely
> going to sh-t yourself’ road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the
> point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that
> if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks will fall off.
>
> Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
> of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s
> Movement’. Despite the chili swimming their way through my intestinal
> tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear
> wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.
>
> Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,
> I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
> refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
> selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
> It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that
> the pain hit me.
>
> Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m
> referring to that ‘Uh-oh, sh-t, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us
> at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chili from the
> night before was staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom it bullied
> its way through the small intestines, forcing its way into the large
> intestines,and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which
> would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chili fired a warning shot.
>
> There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
> in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
> afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
> Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and
> I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red-aproned clerk turned
> the corner and asked if I needed any help.
>
> I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
> would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate. Have you
> ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I
> mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned
> that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he walked into an
> invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that
> all he could do – before gathering his senses and running – was to stand there
> blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off
> angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then it made me
> laugh. Big mistake!
>
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things clamped down,
> if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
> forth from my nether regions. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later
> told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing
> the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly, things were no longer funny. It
> was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand explosion took place.
>
> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my @ss is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘shock and awe’. He made a gagging sound and disgustedly said, ‘Son-of-a-btch! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.
>
> Once finished and left the restroom, I reacquired my partially filled
> cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
> me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’
>
> My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
> me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, It’s you!’, and
> ran off, returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously
> escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
>
> Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
> but leftover chili, so I ate two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at
> Lowes. I can’t say any more about that because we are in court over the
> whole matter. monkeybutts claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.
February 16, 2010 at 6:15 pm
#1266121
