here’s an arcticle written by humorist Melvin Durai-
ANIMAL ACTIVISTS OFTEN GO TOO FAR
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
(PETA) is continuing its efforts to protect
helpless animals, hoping to save them from
mistreatment and from being eaten by
hungry people like me.
PETA’s brilliant new strategy, conceived
from surveys, focus groups and
brainstorming sessions, consists of
throwing pies at government officials. It’s the
kind of clear thinking that shows once again
why humans are superior to animals.
Arathi Jayaram, a 23-year-old PETA
member, recently protested the
consumption of meat in America by
throwing a pie at Agriculture Secretary Dan
Glickman. She almost hit his face and
smeared his suit with tofu cream. As
expected, the incident sparked protests
from another radical group, People for the
Ethical Treatment of People. The group
released a statement saying, “We join the
National Rifle Association in condemning
this terrible act of violence. We urge all
citizens to refrain from any form of
pie-throwing.”
After hurling the pie at Glickman, Jayaram
shouted, “Shame on you for promoting
meat.” Glickman examined his suit and was
visibly disappointed. He was hoping for
apple pie.
Meanwhile, PETA, dismayed that Jayaram
missed Glickman’s face, has decided to
send her back to pie-throwing school.
Jayaram will practice tossing pies at
pictures of unrepenting meat-lovers,
including Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and
Simba the lion.
In a related move, a clan of starving
Ethiopians, plagued by one of the worst
droughts in the African country’s history, has
contacted PETA. “We’ve killed and eaten
all our animals, so you must be really angry
with us,” one Ethiopian man told PETA.
“We deserve to have pies thrown at us. Any
pies will do. We especially like meat pies.”
Added another man: “If any of you
Americans plans to waste food, please
waste it on us. You can fling it at us, drop it
on us, shoot it at us — we don’t care. We’ll
take pies, cookies and even fruit cake.”
PETA staunchly believes that “animals are
not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use
for entertainment.” In contrast, I staunchly
believe that animals are ours to eat, wear,
experiment on, use for entertainment,
feature in beer commercials, ride to the
park, send to the moon, and train as
mascots or replacements for Kathie Lee.
But I do not support wanton animal cruelty,
which is why I would never force any animal,
even a domesticated one, to watch an
episode of Jerry Springer.
Animal cruelty is truly an injustice to our
four-legged friends. I say this because I
have always loved animals, especially
when they’re on my plate.
PETA recently succeeded in persuading
five big retailers to stop buying leather from
India, charging that many Indian cows are
mistreated before they are slaughtered —
despite their sacred status among Hindus.
These are very serious charges indeed. I
mean that. When I’m enjoying a thick, juicy
burger, I’d hate to think that some cow was
treated badly. It would make me feel guilty.
I support some of PETA’s causes, though
I’d much rather belong to the other PETA
(People Enjoying Tasty Animals). These
animal activists often go too far. Take, for
example, PETA’s recent campaign against
milk. Mimicking the dairy industry’s “Got
milk?” ads, PETA produced “Got beer?”
and “Got zits?” ads, trying to convince
youths that dairy products cause acne and
are less healthful than beer. Perhaps PETA
should ask itself an important question:
“Got drunk?”
I once went to a hunting camp in N.D. where I wasn’t known by the rest of the hunters. The first evening I proudly wore my P-eople for the E-ating of T-asty A-nimals shirt.Unfourtunately no one bothered to read the fine print.Needless to say my welcome was less than warm. It wasn’t till the next day that some one asked what the hell I was doing with a PETA shirt on.