Joke of the Day

A giraffe walks into a bar and says to the bartender “highballs on me”.

Gator Hunter

Not bad!!
Here’s another.

These jumper cables walk into the bar and order a drink. The bartender looks them over and says “I’ll serve you as long as you promise not to start anything”.

That’s a good one Buckshot.

Gator Hunter

How do you know that a redneck invented the toothbrush?

Anybody else would have called it a teethbrush.

Gator Hunter

This one is from my eight year old daughter Morgan.

What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor!!

Gator Hunter

ok; Not a joke, BUT very funny. I heard this word of mouth. Apparently, there is an article in the Sports Afield.

It goes as this.

A German guy wants to hunt bear in Russia. He gets set up with a guide from the area, but the guide knows there are no bear in the area.

The guide buys an old circus bear from the Russian circus and is going to use that for the German hunter.

The guide sets up the hunter in a tree, along a well used trail, sets the bear, and places food along the trail so the bear will cross paths with the hunter.

As the guide does this, and sets the bear free, a woman happens to be riding her bike along the path. (you can see where this is going).

The woman on the bike, sees the bear, screams, jumps from the bike, and runs for her life.

The bear, not knowing any better, gets on the bike, and rides it down the trail past the hunter.

The hunter, so shocked at what he just saw, falls out of the tree and breaks his arm…………….

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb???
Two….but don’t ask me how they got in there.

I left work a week ago last Friday afternoon. But instead of
going home, I stayed out the entire weekend, fishing
with the boys and spending my entire paycheck.

When I finally appeared at home, Sunday night, I was
confronted by my very angry wife and was barraged for
nearly 2 hours with a tirade about my actions.

Finally Karen stopped the nagging and simply said
to me, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me
for 2 or 3 days?”

To which I foolishly replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by & I didn’t see Karen. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went and I didn’t see her.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that
I could see her a little out of the corner of my left eye.
Geronimo

A priest and a nun were out fishing on a local lake. The priest gets a bite and sets the hook. Nothing.

“God Dang! I missed!” cried the priest.

The nun looked to the priest, “Father! How dare you take God’s name in vein!”

“Sorry sister. Sorry. I got carried away.”

There back to fishing again and the priest misses another bite. “God Dang! I missed again!”

The nun, enraged, yells at the preist, “Father! How could you take God’s name in vein again?!! If you say that once more may God strike you where you sit!”

“Sorry sister. I get so carried away fishing. It won’t happen again.”

Moments later, another bite, and the priest goes to set the hook. Nothing. “God Dang! I missed again!!

Just then, the sky turned dark and the wind howled. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning came down from the sky striking the NUN where she sat.

As the priest looked up, the clouds opened up and a deep voice rang out of the clouds, “God Dang! I missed again!”.

[This was told to me by a priest when I was a child, so I’m guessing I’m safe. He used much more colorful language too. ]

A Stockbroker, tired of the rat race and all the pressure, decided to leave Wall Street and bought a large cattle ranch in Montana. For the next twelve months he lived in near isolation, going to town only rarely for supplies. On morning, while sitting on his porch, coffee mug in hand, his attention was focused on a wind devil dancing across the prairie. Life is good he thought. As he continued to idly stare at this whirling dervish, he realized it was an old pickup moving toward him at breakneck speed. A few moments later it came to a screeching halt before him and out jumped a bowlegged old cowpoke, scuffed up boots, torn jeans, buttonless long sleeve shirt, tobacco stained beard, cigarette drooping from his grizzled jaw. “Howdy”, he said in introduction, “I’m your nearest neighbor bordering you on the West ..’bout 40 miles yonder, came to invite you to my Christmas party …all the booze you can drink, all the food you can eat and all the loving you can handle”. The stockbroker reflected for a brief moment before responding, “Sounds good,” he said, thinking a little social life might be good, lest he become a hermit. “What should I wear” asked the stockbroker?” “ Oh, don’t matter much,” replied the grizzled old coot, “Only gonna be you and me!”

Geronimo
Now that’s what I call cabin fever!

THREE STRIKES AND YOUR OUT

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the horses stumbled, he said “That’s once.”

Then it stumbled again. He said “That’s twice.”

Then it later stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.

His new wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, “That’s once.”

Gator Hunter

George Bush had a heart attack, dies and goes to Hell
where the Devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here ” says the Devil,
“You’re on my list but I have no room, you definitely
have to stay, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do”.

“I’ve got 3 people here who weren’t as bad as you.
I’ll let one of them go but you have to take their
place. I’ll even let you decide whom to choose”.

George thought that sounded like a pretty good deal,
so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first door and there was Richard
Nixon in a large pool of water, he kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed, over and over again. Such was
his fate in Hell.

“No”, said George, “I don’t think so, I’m not a good
swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day
long”

The Devil led him to the next room where he found
Jimmy Carter with a sledge hammer, breaking rocks. All
he did was swing that hammer time after time.

“No, I’ve got a problem with my shoulder, and I would
be in constant agony if I had to break rocks all day”
commented George.

The Devil opened the third door……………….

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with
his arms staked above his head and his legs staked in
a spread eagle position.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky….
doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and
finally said with a grin, “Yeah, I think I can handle
this”

The Devil smiled and said……………………..

“OK Monica, you’re free to go !”

A group of office co-workers decided one day to share a ride to work. What they did not realize was that they also shared the same fear – claustrophobia. As they were driving through a mountain tunnel, all began to scream wildly! The car went out of control, but finally, they were able to slow down and pull over to the side of the road. A psychologist who was driving behind the car saw everything and stopped to see if he could help. He immediately ascertained what the problem was — they were suffering from carpool tunnel syndrome.

Will rogers Quotes:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
a. The ones that learn by reading.
b. The few who learn by observation.
c. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

12. AND FINALLY: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him…

The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Re: Carpool Tunnel Syndrome….

I can see that some of us should stick to fish’en!

Brian – If you didn’t like the Carpool Tunnel Syndrome joke, try this one.

Not many people know that Edison was an avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindness, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privy.

He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

I’m on a roll. Here’s another one!! Just as bad as the last one too.

Men vs Women

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Two Cows / California Style

You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn’t.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows”.
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm “for the children”.
Gray Davis had already signed a law giving your farm to Mexico
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times’ analysis shows your business failure is Bush’s fault.

OK – I will stop now. Have a nice day!!

Oh, Heck! Three more posts and I’ve got two hundred. Might as well keep going.

Thank God for the Confessional!!

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”
Yes, Father, it ‘ tis.”
And who was the woman you were with?”
I can’t be telling’ you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as welln tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
I cannot say.”
Was it Patricia Kelly?”
I’ll never tell.”
Was it Liz Shannon?”
I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”
Was it Cathy Morgan?”
My lips are sealed.”
Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.”
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Three month’s vacation and five good leads,” says Tommy.

Here ya go!!

Why Rednecks Are Not Paramedics

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence… and then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line, “Okay, now what?”

I made it!! Post Number 200. This is my last joke – I promise.

Subject: Renamed Iraq Towns

Now that American Aircraft and Military have reorganized Iraq’s landscape. US intelligence has discovered that they have renamed some of their towns. These new names include:
1. Wherz-Myroof
2. Mykamel-Izded
3. Oshit-Disisabad
4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5. Pleez-Ztopdishit
6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7. Ikantstan-Disnomore
8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9. Myturbin-Izburnin
10. Imma-Dedshmuck

Re: Men vs Women

You forgot one…

Fishing
You never become a serious fisherman until after you’re married.

Since there isn’t a moderator listed for this forum, I’ll have to ask James.

Isn’t there something in the terms and conditions about posting that many BAD jokes in a row, OR if your 200th post is a BAD joke…there’s sometype of punishment? After all we had to suffer through it!

Never mind James, Comm took me fishing, he’s had his punishment!

Heres something for guys to remember. A woman buys the house because of the bathroom and kitchen, a guy buys it because of a small yard that dosen’t need mowing so he can go fishing more but its got to have a shed or a garage. Plus one very important item is a guy can sleep in a car, a woman needs a bathroom. ON an over nighter she usually supplies various rolls of toilet paper.

This isn’t necessarily a joke, but funny and true.

IN AN EFFORT TO HELP OUTSIDERS UNDERSTAND THE MIDWEST UNITED STATES, THE FOLLOWING LIST WILL BE HANDED TO EACH DRIVER ENTERING THE AREA:
 
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
 
2. It’s called a ‘gravel road’. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your SUV. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
 
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
 
4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you whipped… by our women.
 
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for…bait.
 
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
 
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
 
8. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
 
9. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order a steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
 
10. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
 
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We’re real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
 
12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
 
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks – because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
 
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too – and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
 
15. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstate 70, 80 & 90 go two ways. Interstate 29, 35, & 75 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
 
16. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
 
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
 
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit the ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
 
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot, his name is, “Sir”… no matter how old he is.
 
Now, enjoy your visit and go home.

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said “Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I’ll be across the field.”
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking “What’s wrong? I told you to be quiet.”

The son answered,
“Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’ I panicked.”

James and Dustin were fishin’ on opposite sides of the river, with a lot of snags in between them. Not seeing anyway through the brush for his boat, Dustin yelled at James and said “How do I get to the other side of the river?” James shouted back “You are on the other side!”

Good place for him too!~

Must have been the better side of the 2 if I was there

I didn’t think I would get a rise out of both of you so soon. You are suppose to be fishing.