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Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in
the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long
after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option.
I will win.
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Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running
very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I’m looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to
the other, “I used to be able to fix these things,
but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.”
We will then drink a couple of beers and break
wind, as a form of holy communion.
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Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold,
I need someone to bring me soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You’re a woman. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
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Because I’m a man, I can be relied
upon to purchase basic groceries at the store,
like milk or bread. I cannot be expected
to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.”
For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I’m a man, when one of our
appliances stops working, I will insist on taking
it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I’m a man, I must hold the
television remote control in my hand while
I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may miss a whole show looking for it,
though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator instead
(applies to engineers only)
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Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask
me what I’m thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex,
sports or sex. I have to make up something
else when you ask, so just don’t ask.
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Because I’m a man, you don’t have to
ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you’re crying at the end of
it, I didn’t… and if you are
feeling amorous afterwards . . then I
will certainly at least remember the
name and recommend it to others.
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Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing
is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of
shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
looks fine. It does not make your [censored] look
too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and
margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I’m a man, and this is, after all,
the year 2007, I will share equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming,
and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest. Like
wandering around in the garden with a
beer, wondering what to do.
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This has been a public service message for
women to better understand men.
