Help! Death of our daughter.

We lost our daughter in an accident two years ago. My wife’s only child. Michelle was 18. My wife is struggling with severe bouts of depression. She’s focused on her work and has now taken on two jobs, working almost 60 hours a week, not for money, but for a distraction. She’s usually awake at 4:30am every morning and in bed around 11:00pm at night. I don’t know how to help her. I know that she’s exhausted and depressed and wants to find peace. Any suggestions from anyone that knows about grief and the loss of a child and what I can do to help her? fyi – She works for a crisis response center at night, she helps locate Mental Health Specialists throughout the nation to respond to a crisis in a family, or in the workplace. She’s so good at her work, she’s calm and has a true heart/tenderness for helping others, yet I can’t seem to help her.

I don’t know that I can help with this one. Thankfully my family has never been put into your situation.

I might suggest she gets involved in “happier” stuff? Maybe work with kids in another venue vs in a situation where people are depressed and having problems. I would think it’s hard for her to see the bright side of life when all she does is deal with other peoples problems and then thinks about your daughter the rest of the time.

Maybe get involved in some youth programs at church. Take the kids on field trips, car washes, fund raisers, things like that. That way she sees the fun positive things kids can do. I know schools always need help in the classrooms and chaparons on field trips.

People are fascinating, kids are the most fascinating as they grow. Have your wife get involved with kids. I think she needs “positive” things in her life.

Best of luck, your family will be in my prayers.

Here is something that someone told me years ago when my Mom passed away from cancer. ”ONLY the body dies, the soul lives forever.” What this means to me is that only her daughters body died. Her body is like her clothes, she has removed them. Her soul, which is the real her inside is ALIVE. Yes your daughter is alive. She is alive and well in Heaven with the Lord. And she is watching over you both. And I’m sure that she wants to say to her Mom to ”be happy.” They will see each other again. And when that day comes they will be together forever, eternity, in Heaven with the Lord. Heaven, a place where there is no pain, no suffering, only joy and happiness, and where you are with Jesus and all your loved ones who have gone there before you. Her daughter, your daughter, has made it to Heaven. Stay close to the Lord and you both will see her again someday and at that time you will ALL be together forever. For eternity together, thats a promise given to us from our Lord. So be happy like your daughter wants to see you be. Shes watching over you, shes happy, and she will be even more happy seeing that you are happy. You will be together forever if you stay close to the Lord, live your life in a way that pleases the Lord and makes your daughter happy to see you happy. Eternity is a long time, forever, and thats how long you both will be together Mom. Life on this earth is very short. Just look how fast the time went since you were a little girl. Thats how fast the time will go before the time you see her again. It will fly by if you are happy. It hurts her I’m sure to see you unhappy. Be happy for her, thats how she wants her Mom to be. Be close to the Lord. This way you will have eternity together someday. Smile, it will make your daughter happy, it will make your husband happy, it will make you happy. God has a place for you someday right there with your daughter when its time for you to come home. Until that time comes be happy and enjoy the simple things that the Lord has made, the sun, the blue skies, the smell of flowers, the animals, the husband the Lord has given you, the presence of the Lord as you read his word and worship him. Your daughter is watching over you and she wants her Mom to be happy. Be happy, with a promise to be together for eternity how could someone not be happy. Be happy. Praise the Lord.
Thanks, Bill

Hi TM!
My wife and I lost are oldest son almost 2 years ago. The grieving process is different for everyone. And some people don’t stop and grieve their loss. Possibly your wife is keeping so busy and so focused that she hasn’t had to really grieve a tremendous loss.

She sounds like in your description to be having classic depression symptoms. Has your wife seen a Doctor? People who work in mental health are often very reluctant to seek help for mental health issues. I worked in metal health and was reluctant to seek help when I needed it.

My wife and I are in a much better situation today then we were 18 months ago. But you never really totally get over the loss. How could you? Last night there was a story on the news about a little boy who has cerebral palsey and is now fighting brain cancer. The little boy was a lot like our Jonathan. Jenine and I were in tears the whole report.
Things will always remind you of your loss; but you can get to a point where the reminders will bring back happy memories and acceptance of your loss.

Take care and God Bless!

Joel

TM

Your wife needs to seek out medical attention on this. As Drews Dad stated… she is dealing with depression issues, and probably other issues like post dramatic stress disorder… and is likely to be dealing with it for many years, being treated or not.

The stress on the body over serious situations like this can be life threatening if not dealt with(I know that from experience). Stress will have very adverse affects on the body over time.

The most difficult part will be trying to convince her to see a psycologist. Most people dealing with depression dont know they are depressed, and will not see a doctor until they start to accept, or recognise the fact that they are depressed. Just recognizing(sp?) that your seriously depressed is a huge step in the right direction, and is usually the turning point of working towards recovery.

My deepest sympathies for her loss of your daughter.

Good Luck with this! The future will improve!

well me and my wife after just getting married lost our 1st child together. Elizibeth was diagnosed with anacephaly (sp) and there where times where both me and my wife would see a baby girl and start to dream about stuff that she never got to do or the things that we never got to do with her. the best help you can do for your wife is just be there for her!!!! if she finally feels like she is ready or willing to talk about it, be there and listen, no matter what other plans you have made. they can get changed or cancelled. the first thing that I would do is pray for her, God has already been surrounding you both, but sometimes it feels like we are walking alone, the one and only thing that really got me through the loss of my daughter was my faith, I knew that the Lord would comfort my heart and give me peace until I get to have a reunion. I know that I have a guardian angel that watches my every step. I do miss her, I look at her ashes every morning when I wake up, I do miss her sometimes when the rest of my kids come and cuddle with me. she would have been 5 this april, her original due date, she was born in Dec, right before xmas. so pray for her and get her to talk about her feelings.

shane

TMessing,

First off, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. There must be nothing more painful than the loss of a child. I suppose no one ever really gets over it. A parent’s life is changed forever at that point. Acceptance is the only way to ease the pain a little.

I guess I differ form the other responses a bit. I wouldn’t necessarily say she’s depressed, in a clinical sense. I’d say she’s doing pretty damn good for having lost a child only two years ago. She’s still grieving, and trying to deal with this terrible loss the only way she knows how. Two years is not a long time under these circumstances. I’d say the best thing you can do is support her. Be there for her. Care for her. Don’t rush her. Listen when she speaks and hold her when she cries. Don’t push her to “move on” or “get over it”. People who are grieving really get hurt when other people try to put a time table on their grief. Don’t make her think she’s crazy or mentally ill because she is still grieving so intensely, and don’t let other people make her feel that way either. There’s only so much you can do. You can’t fix it. You can’t make her pain and sorrow go away. You can’t undo what’s been done. Just be there for her and support her. That’s most likely what she needs from you, and the best thing you can do.

If she is interested, therapy can be helpful. But only if she wants to talk about it. I question the use of psychiatric medication in people who are grieving, unless they are unable to function or are at risk of harm. Although they can take the edge off the pain, they can also numb the emotional system and interfere with the natural healing process. Your wife is using distraction to avoid her pain much of the time. That can be a fairly healthy way to work through such intense pain in small doses. She is managing her pain in her own way, and she may need to do so for a while. Be patient with her. I wish you both the best of luck and hope you can find some peace.

First off, your in our prayers!

How I kinda see it is she is constantly surrounded by greif and grievence at her work and helping others try to deal with it and knows she has to keep strong.
But with anything, your work comes home with you and in that field of work how can she not stop think of your daughter.
She is constantly dealing with some type of grief and never give herself a chance to think about anything else.

I don’t know if this is making any sense… like mentioned earlier, she might need to find a different line of work. Something that doesn’t involve grief and grievence.
I hope that makes sense!

TMessing you mentioned that your wife is going to bed at 11:00 and getting up at 4:30 every morning. And she now works 60 hours a week. If this is radically different from what her schedule was before your daughters death that is a pretty good indicator of something. Inability to sleep is classic symptom of depression. Burying yourself in work is a common way people deal (or not deal) with problems. I don’t have answers for what is right or wrong for your wife and yourself to do. But you wouldn’t have posted this if you weren’t concerned. So Maybe a good place to start is talking with your wife and telling her what you’ve told us.

Take care and God Bless You and Your Wife.

Joel

I really have nothing more to add except prayers are on the way to you and family…..

TM,
My prayers go out for you and your wife for comfort and peace that only God through his Holy Spirit can give. Bill said it straight up. You will see your daughter again in Heaven.
I can feel the pain you and your wife are dealing with as 1 1/2 years ago my wifes sister and her husband were murdered by their son. My wife and I talk about it every day as we still can’t comprehend what has happened in our lives, but we got help to deal with it.
The best piece of advice I can give you is to find Professional counseling that specializes in dealing with grief!!! There are some great counselers out there. Grieving is a necessary process that the body needs to go through to deal with the loss. Running from or ignoring the grief will only prolong the agony. There are also grief groups that have people in them that have also suffered loss and they help others through the process of grieving. There is an organization called http://www.griefshare.org that will help you find a group in your area based on your zip code. Also you can google grief counseling for tons of info. Again my prayers are with you.