Thanks for the ride

hey wats,

It is good to see that you can come here and ramble on, you are free to do so at any time, I am sure that no body here would even think twice about complaining because a friend was in need. you can ramble anytime you want and you can feel free to give me a call. (612) 819-6403. I would love to be a ear for you at anytime. I also came home from a horrible day at work, I was an angry person today, but I am fighting some warfare issues. God is in all of our lives, all you have to do is ask him to help you, I know that there have been many prayers lifting you up and asking God to protect you and to help you beat that inner demon. I know that you can and will beat that demon, and then you will feel like a new man. it is tough to go through it when you are trying to defeat it, it hangs on and comes around when you least expect it. I am just glad that you still determined to win!! feel free to vent at anytime.

shane

Alot of times when things start going wrong its because the person has started to get lazy so to speak about working the program they need to be working. Things get and feel great so people get relaxed and don’t do what they need to be doing to stay healthy. As a result the negative problems creep in. Talking about it, sharing it like you are doing and getting back to where a person needs to be in their program will pull you out of this. Realizing your own powerlessness will show you that you need the Lords strength to go foward. Our strength comes from our weekness as our weekness tells us we need to rely on the Lord for our strength. Use the ist and third step in the 12 step programs every single day Bud and you will make it.
Thanks, Bill

Always know that your freinds at IDA are here when you need us. Rave, Ramble, what ever you need to get threw. I will have you in my prayers.
Incase you didn’t know here are the steps Bill speaks of. I Agree whole heartedly. They get me by every day.

1)We admit we are powerless-and our lives have become unmanagable.
3)Make a decision to turn over our will and our lives to a greater power as we understand him.

Good luck and God Bless.

After reading today’s replies, Bill’s post pretty much hit it on the head. Things have been going great and I think I did get lazy, and it bit me. It is kind of weird, but I have actually let my guard down a lot. For those who really know me, that is probably hard to believe. For years I have always had my guard up and ready to attack in one way or another to anything that crossed me. It didn’t take much either. I was VERY short fused. Lately, I have let things slide and not gotten aggressive to stupid little things like before. Take for example the thread in the bass forum about the guy throwing a fit when a bass boat came too close. At this time last year, that guy acted exactly like I would have. There would have been a lot of swearing and acting like an idiot. I can honestly say now, I can shake my head and let it go. I realize that I made myself out to look like a fool acting in that manner. In a sense, being more laid back is actually a good feeling. But, it is also weird because it is out of my usual comfort mode. Most people don’t like change, it is hard to deal with. But, sometimes change is good. That is the hardest part for me right now, making the necassary changes to have a happier peaceful life. I knew better to think a little pill would make things all better. My “happy” pills are great, but the real challenge is in my head, and no pill is going to help that. Only myself and the help from all of you is going to reroute my thoughts to the positive side. So please, bear with me with my rambling posts and somewhat negative attitude at times. Thanks again

Many of us have been there, And we all have rambled at some point. When you need to fume. Fume here! There is always an ear available. Even when we are suposed to be working.

Stay on course Bud, you WILL make it. Life isn’t easy but if we learn from the hard times we become better from it. The guard you keep up now is a different guard. Its not against people anymore, its against your old way of doing things and thinking. You are learning a new and much better way of living and sometimes its big steps and sometimes its baby steps [small steps]. BUT you are still going forward because you are learning a better way and also noticing the times when you aren’t doing what you need to do for yourself to be healthy. The AA 12 Steps are a great way to live. It doesn’t matter if a person is an alcohic or not, the 12 steps is a healthy way to live. You just substitute the word alcoholic with the situation you are facing. Chapter 5 in the AA Big Book is ”How It Works” and is great. Many lives have been changed by it and the 12 steps no matter what problems they are facing. You know what you need to do to make it so keep doing it. You WILL make it my friend.
Thanks, Bill

Glad to here you say things like that. You are on the right track.

By the way I ramble all the time, so I do not care if you do.

Ron

Keep Pluggin Wats!

Not too keep bringing this topic back up for sympathy, but I thought I would put another update.
Things have been pretty stable lately. I have been much happier with life. And I have been going out and doing things with the wife that I normally wouldn’t have done. For example, we go out to eat with each other, I go shopping with her, we have gone to a few festivals, and we have gone out for a few drinks. Now that may not be much to most, but it is a BIG accompolishment for me.
For years, I use to blame everything on alcohol and didn’t like to be anywhere near the bars or people getting drunk. Now I have come to realize, it isn’t the alcohol that is bad, it is the person doing the drinking. I can now have a few drinks and be around people who are drinking and not get ticked. I look at the people who are making idiots out of themselves and either laugh or feel sorry for them. Heck, I went out the other day with the wife and some guys from work and had a few drinks. I actually had some great laughs and enjoyed myself for once.
I still haven’t really found who I am or my destiny in life, but I am sure it will come. I have found that I am more happy hunting than fishing. Hunting is more relaxed and has so many different options.
One bad thing is lately my health has been going downhill. I have been really fatigued and ache all the time. My wrist got so bad I finally went in to get it checked out. The wrist has severe tendinitis. My ankles, fingers, neck, back, and knees have also been in constant pain. Anyway, they did x-rays and some blood tests. One blood test showed inflammation in the system. The doc thinks I may have Lyme disease. I will know more when the blood test gets back either Monday or Tuesday. If that comes up negative, I have to do more blood tests to try and figure out what is going on. When it rains, it pours So, that is what has been going on in my world.

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I still haven’t really found who I am or my destiny in life, but I am sure it will come.

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Sounds like you are trying.
You will still have some ups and downs BUT at least you are out there doing something.
Keep up the good job

Ron

Hey, glad to hear things are looking brighter for you and yours. Keep up the good work and good luck with your tests. Will be thinking about you and hope all turns out well.

Hey watts, something ive found out in life is that you never want to forget the simple things in life. They usually don’t cost anything and thier the ones that make you feel the best. Ive learned to try to stay as calm as i can because staying to angry can cloud the thoughts that are suppose to make us feel good and enjoy life, after all theres only 24 hours a day and overwhelming ourselfs with thoughts that aren’t neccesary only takes time away from thinking good thoughts and seeing good things. Everybody wants to help solve all the problems in the world but because we have to rest and be ourselves we can’t. Don’t worry though because while were resting others like us are taking care of those problems were all concerned about. Because were all brothers and sisters that gives us time to take care of ourselves and others. Everything really is in pretty good shape as long as we try to do things right and think with our hearts.

Wats,
Glad to hear things are going better, kind of. Hope the tests come back for the best, I’ll be keeping you in thoughts and prayers. Keep on trying, that’s what really matters.

dave

Here we go again The “old” me has decided to come back after I thought I was through with living in hell. My temper is shorter and I am so sick of society that I could run to the hills and never live near people again. What triggered the change is unknown to me. I am still on the meds but quit the “therapy” awhile back. In a way, I am not bothered by my old ways. It is more comfortable than trying to learn a new lifestyle. The way I see things now, does it really matter? I mean, this thing of life is nothing more than a cycle. We are born, we work our butts off to make money for “the man”. When we are no longer useful to society we are cast off to the side. Then we get old, die, and people move on with their lives. I hate who I work for with such a passion, it is scary. People say if it is so bad, find another job. Sounds easy right? Well not so. I make $13/hr and work 40-60+ hours a week for 7 months of the year. There are very few jobs out there that start out at that kind of money without a degree. Basically I put myself in this position and there isn’t any way out. My job is one of the things that may have triggered my old self to reemerge. My family life is better to a degree. I still tend to hide myself from the world when I can, but try and spend time with the kids and wife. In reality, I am pretty sure I will never be able to beat this depression. In the end I am sure it is going to win, but the question is, when? At least I don’t dwell on my step-dad and the abuse much anymore. It just seems to have evolved into things I see, watch, and hear in everyday life. It seems the world is going to hell in a handbasket. Life and society is getting colder and all people think about is themselves. So many people speak with forked tongues and will step all over anybody to get to the top. Is it really worth it? My mind is going a million miles an hour right now, so I will quit rambling before people think I am truely insane.

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The way I see things now, does it really matter?

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Mike, It sure the hell does matter. It matters to your wife and your children, and everyone else who gives a shite about you. When you’re feeling your worst, try to take the focus off of yourself and put your energy into the people you care about and who care about you. Your effort to improve their lives may in fact improve your own life. You can find moments of joy while your making your wife and children happy. Do that enough and maybe you’ll learn how to create moments of joy just for yourself (you know, like a fishing trip with buddies). And, if you do all of that enough, you might find that you can get through the crappy times. You can endure the crap moments in life while you’re awaiting the next moments of joy and happiness.

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Life and society is getting colder and all people think about is themselves.

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Really? I looked back at all the comments that people on this site left for you over the past few months. “Cold?” “People just think about themselves?” That’s depression talking. I’ll agree with you in part. Life does have a lot of painful moments. Hurtful moments. Crappy moments. Terrible moments. Sad Moments. Darn near unbearable moments. But life is also filled with amazing moments. Incredible moments. Joyous moments. Loving moments. Freaking awesome moments. Life is all about moments, good and bad. I think the task is to try to increase those pleasant moments and decrease the miserable moments. IT AINT EASY. But, what else are you going to do? Stay miserable?

Why did you stop therapy? If you didn’t find the therapist helpful to you that’s not unusual. It can take a little shopping before you find a therapist who you feel comfortable with and who is a good match for you personally. But why just stop altogether? Don’t you deserve to feel better? Don’t you want things to be better for you and your family? Of course you do. But depression gets it’s ugly freakin’ head in the way and influences you to focus on the negative crap in life. Depression influences you to think IT DOESN’T MATTER! WHO CARES? SCREW THIS CRAP? You gotta fight back Mike, for you and for your family.

Listen Mike, I posted this hear instead of sending you a private message because I know your not the only one who goes through this on this site. I think we might all be surprised at how many people here have had similar thoughts and suffered through the same misery you’re going through right now. Depression is real. Recovery is real! I urge you to keep shopping for a therapist that you feel comfortable with and who can help you beat this thing. A good therapist can also help you continuously evaluate the effectiveness of your medication. If you have aspects of chemical depression, medication management is going to be essential, and with people having such different chemical makeup, finding the correct medication isn’t that easy either. Keep after it.

One last thing. There a lot of good books out there that might be helpful to you. I know a lot of people don’t find self-help type of books helpful and dismiss them but I think they can be incredibly helpful if you find the right ones for yourself. They’re often written by people who have been where you’re at now and can act as a pretty good guide for getting yourself moving in a better direction. Give it a try. What do you have to lose?

I wish you the best of luck Mike and I hope I’m around to witness you posting about the day you recovered from depression. I’m looking forward to it. Take care.

God will never give you a burden your shoulders can’t bear…if you reach to him and can’t reach high enough…don’t worry….HE will reach the rest of the way.

Everyone suffers from some depression at times. When we start thinking about only me, poor me, and start thinking about just my problems then we are depressed. The best joy comes from giving of ourselves to others. Doing a kind deed for someone. Even doing something for someone without them knowing who helped them. The Lord summed it up pretty good whe He said ”Give and it shall be given back to you.” Give love to your family, help someone with a chore, compliment someone, be kind to someone who doesn’t deserve it. It feels good inside to help people, make someone smile, make someones life better, etc. You have a family who loves you, who counts on you, who need you and that makes you a very blessed man and you don’t even know it. What happened in the past is in the past. Let it stay there, Let it go. Don’t let it control your life. Deal with and through it in councelling so that you will then be able to let it go. You say you quit concelling, why may I ask. End result in doing that is the depression is back. That tells me it was a wrong decission and I need to go back to counceling. Nothing wrong with that, we learn things from it. Its a stepping stone. Learned that I need counceling. Great, you know where to get some help and support. Time to see him/her again. You can make it Bud, I know you can. You have come along way already. You have made great progress, keep going forward. I know a person who had a very bad childhood due to a drunken abusive father yet hes a very great caring person and is spending his life helping others as a Minister and has a very wonderful wife and family. The life he lives tells me he is focused outside of himself by helping others and trying to make their lives better. You can have that same affect on your own family, friends and people you meet by focusing on positive things in life. You can do it!
Thanks, Bill

Wade and Bill, those where GREAT responses. I’ve been where Mike is now, and could not have stated it any better. Learning to focus on those I love, who love me, was the turning point in my life. There is no more rewarding experience in life than being loved for being YOU! When the love of others is apparent to you, when you see that if they love you for who you are, then there is hope. Where there is hope, there is recovery.
Mike, life may never be a totally depression free journey for you and I, but it can most definetly be a wonderful experience, and we can make a positive difference in many lives, including our wives and children. Hang in there, find a new therapist and keep on keeping on until the light in your life overcomes the shadows and doubt!

Great comments from everyone. I chimed in awhile ago about the depression issues that my girlfriend was having. She saw a counselor for some time but never felt like she got much out of it. That made her feel even more hopeless. She recently found another counselor, through a friend, that she see’s eye to eye with and has similar interests with. So far, anyways, it’s made a world of difference for her.

Look for another counselor. There’s one out there that you’ll be able to relate to and trust. Don’t give up, man!!

Thanks guys for the responses
Wade-You are dead on right about the people on here as not being cold and suffering from the ME syndrome. I should not have lumped everyone into that stereotype
Bill-As always, you always have a positive outlook and different ways to look at things.
There are still days when I feel there is hope and then WHAM, I go for a week or so pissed at the world. I have so many regrets about things I should have said and done in the past. There is no way to go back and relive life and it really sucks. Now the time has passed and I can’t do the things I wanted to do or should have done. Before I lost control over my life last spring, life was tough, but I was so used to it. Now that I have seen a small glimpse of what it could be, it is so much tougher. When the depression comes back, it seems to come back stronger and harder to shake. Does that make sense? Most of the time it is easier to be angry away from home and then come home and slide into my protective shell and hide from everyone until it passes. Sometimes it is a day and other times it lasts for a week or more. It never totally goes away, just sometimes the feelings are stronger. I can’t ever remember being totally happy. I still wonder what I could have been if not for my depression and past. Where would I be in life right now? Would I be happy? I can say I am satisfied with where I live and with my wife and kids. But, my other family could be a lot better. I haven’t really kept in contact with any of them all my life. I also can’t look to religion for help as I am not a religious person. I don’t know what to beleive on that front. My wife goes to church, but I never have. My step-dad was atheist and that was what I heard growing up. In some ways I want to believe, but since it isn’t proven, I don’t know if there is a God. I look at the world today and all its tragedies and wonder how, if there is a God, why he would let these things happen. All I know is I really do not know anything really. I am so confused most of the time. At least at work I can forget about life and concentrate on what I am doing at this moment in time and not think about tomorrow.

We all have things in our life that we would of done differently. We can’t go back and change that BUT we can change the way we act now. We can make up for it so to speak by being a better person now. If you are referring to your relationship with your wife or kids, for an example, you can be there for them now and treat them better now etc. and that big change helps very much to heal the past. What we could of been or could of enjoyed in the past is in the in the past. We can’t relive that and we can’t dwell on that. As for religion, I look at it this way: I don’t want religion, I want a relationship with Jesus. My strength, and any good thing that ever comes out of me, comes from Him and my allowing Him to work through me. If you are interested in checking out a Church my reccomendation would have to be an ”Assembly of God” Church. Try a Sunday am service and also a Sunday night service [more informal] and see what you think. No harm in checking it out. As for depression, alot of times it may be caused by a chemical imbalance. If you have medicine for it do not miss a dose. I know people who take that kind of medicne and it makes a world of difference in them when they take it. The past you can’t change BUT you can change the present/now time and how your life will be from now on. Does the past ever completely go away? Well I still have alot of pain in me from things that happened to me in the past when I think about them. BUT thats in the past, its over, now its time to go on with my life. I finished raising 3 of my 4 children by myself and even though it hurt that my marriage wasn’t what it was suppose to be and ended up in a divorce, if I look at it as I was a very lucky person to have my kids, and the closeness that my kids and I have to this day I see that I am a very blessed man and those years were very good to me and for me. I now have 5 grandkids and another one will be born within the next two weeks. Things just keep getting better because I choose to let it be that way instead of choosing to think about what I wish things could of been. For family communication with distant family I don’t write letters to them but with the computer I send short notes back and forth to them and we keep contact that way. Works neat. Things will and are getting better. I can tell it in your replys here. You can do it, you are already doing it!
Thanks, Bill

AM,

I have been reading these posts for quite awhile and until now had no intention of responding. However, it is obvious to me that some of the respondents have gone through similar struggles and offer help, but have not opened up to the extent you have.

Anyway, I am the guy that you called an idiot regarding Bass Boats in an earlier E Mail, and every now and then I have provided equally irrational comments especially concerning Slop Bass and gasoline, James Hoist, and Lord knows what else. A few of you have basically said in private E mails how can you be so nice in some of your responces and just an A-Hole in others. The bottom line is on occasion I tend to drink a bit too much and become a bit irrational, and then every opinion I have gets magnified about 1000% in my responses.

Aside from hoping this represents an apology to other folks on this board, I understand what you are going through, and would be willing to elaborate our similar struggles, but unlike you not on an open board.

As I progress in my recovery, please remember a few things. One, my constant goal has always been never give up; period. Secondly, approach every concern or difficulty with an open mind, a kindness and a sense of humor. It works and getting pissed only alienates everyone we deal with. Finally, Bill C makes a lot of sense in his responses on this board, especially regarding the twelve steps.

Anyway, I am fighting a bit of a battle on this end, but if you wish to get together send me a personal E Mail. I have a nice fishing boat stored in Winona, Mn.

Finally, if sounds like a few of the folks on this board know you personally and you have been fishing with them. Ironically, I refuse to take anyone fishing in my boat aside from a few kids and the family. I am afraid of failing, which essentially means a bad day for me. I finally took my neighbor out last Saturday in the Whitman Pool and we did OK. Jim and his wife were camping at Merrick. A few decent Walleye, ditto on Channel Cat and accordibng to him the Sunfish we caught were a heck of a lot bigger then they grow in Northern Wisconsin. Sadly, he is the first person, aside from my kids and relatives, that have ever been in a boat I owned since the 1970’s.

Anyway, hope things continue to progress in a positive way and ditto on my end.

Am; Life gets tough at times. I know what its like when you have a job you hate and the monies just enough that you can’t afford to leave. There is so much you want for your family and you really want to help others but you just can’t. It’s hard. Seems like sometimes you just don’t have a clue which way to turn. But remember your family! Live for them. And don’t watch the world news. Avoid people with negative attitudes. They just make you more angry.
My brother went through some bad stuff about 20 some years ago. We got him to get help finally after my dad broke into his house and got him to give up his gun he was playing russian roulette with as he was talking to me on the phone. That was one of the scariest nights for all involved. Unfortunatley for him , he lost a good bussiness, more importantly, a lovely wife and 2 kids because of the way things played out. They gave him extreme drugs to try to find out what was going on with him. One weekend they let him out of the hospital with a whole weekend of medication. He could’t get along with anyone so he was going to take it all at once and have it over with. My brother-in-law and i fought him for about an hour and I finally got his meds. No sleep that night, but we talked alot and that really helped. Being a young 70’s punk, I just had to try the meds they gave him. These drugs were horendous, turned you into a babbling idiot. Mayed you verbalize ever little,private thought. We got him off those drugs, and with the constant encouragement of family,and some visits to a cousin who is a psycologist, he got much better. He stayed with it and in the early 80’s again fell in love and has 2 kids. It’s not always easy for him, but life is a lot better now.
You say you don’t remember ever being really happy. How about the first time you met your wife? Your wedding day? When your kids were Born? You have been happy, it’s just hard to see through the fog your in right now.
Not sure if God is real? Think on this- If God is not real why do we divide time by Him? B.C. & A.D. ? To beleive God is real you need to beleive He left us a blueprint for life. He did. It’s called the Bible. The Bible is the word of God. Remember,our thoughts aren’t always His thoughts. There is a wealth of good advice in the Bible if you are willing to read it. For instance,in Philippians chapter 4 verse 8 you’ll find something great for you and all of us right now. Whatsover things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue,and if there be any praise, think on these things. Even if you don’t beleive in God, this is good advice. Try reading a chapter a day from the book of Proverbs. It can make you a better person. A good church may be what you need now. To find one ask if they beleive the Bible is Gods word. If they don’t find another one. Remember people will always fail you at some point. The only perfect man to ever live was Jesus.
Life can get beter, you have to try. For yourself and than your family. You do need to be around people who will support you. A good pastor might be just the friend you need now. I’m not much of a church person anymore, but there was a time when my wife left me , took my kids and about everything we had, where if I would’nt had good caring people around me to encourage me I don’t know if I’d be here today. They helped me even when I didn’t always want them too. Today I’m not rich in material things, But I have my wife and family back. I got a great gift of being able to watch my kids grow up and help them through their struggles, and beleive me with one it was bad. But we kept with him and he turned around. The best part is the grandkids. Their worth ALL of it! Keep your mind on good things as much as you can. Try not to dwell on the negative. And why not call out to God and ask Christ to save you. You can always find Him willing to listen and help. You just have to let Him.

Hey Mike!
I like Bill’s idea of giving church a chance. My only suggestion would be to go to church with your wife and kids.
And maybe you already do on occasion. But sharing that with them would be a really nice thing to do for your wife.
It’s only an hour and who knows? You might find some peace there. Hang in there sir!

Joel

First off I want to thank each and every one of you that offered advice and support, I really needed it, and it was much appreciated.
Over time I have taken the advice of, “Let it go”. I can’t really remember when I decided to do that, but I have. Not all of it of course, but a huge part of the past. The burden I was carrying seems to have lifted because I am not near as weary anymore. My life as well as the family has been so much better the last month or so. My wife and I don’t argue, I spend more time with the kids, and I am talking to them more than I ever have. I couldn’t have done it without all the help I received on here. You folks were definitely a huge part in my constant recovery.
On Sunday, I finally called my mom, which I have not done in 2 months or so. Anyway, my step-dad answered the phone. Normally, I would not make any conversation with him at all. For some reason, this time I decided to make small talk. The weird part is, I had no fear of him and we had a real conversation. To some that might not be a big deal, but to me, it was huge. It may sound strange, but in a way, I quit blaming him. What I do still blame is the alcohol. When he was sober, he was different. But, when he drank, he became a totally different person. I also think age has changed him a lot. He now doesn’t drink very much. He also volunteers his time to help fundraisers for the physically handicapped and other organizations.
It may sound like I am defending him for his actions, but I am not. But, I also realized you folks were right, the longer I hold onto the negative in the past, the more it is going to eat me up mentally. I actually want to live more and more everyday. I still have recurring bad times, but they are farther apart and what I would call mild episodes. I may even head out west this winter and visit them. It has been 8 years since I have seen my mom,sisters, and the wide open country of Wyoming. Of course I have to find the funds to do so, but I think I need to do it to have some closure to the past. I need to face the monster from my past and prove to myself that maybe monsters really do not exist. Whew, there I go again, rambling. It seems everytime I get on this topic, my mind and fingers get out of control

You are doing great. Keep going forward my friend. Life is much better when we realize we don’t have to carry burdens. We can let them go. Have a very nice Thanksgiving with your wife and kids. Family is very special.
Thanks, Bill

Glad to hear AM. I, you and many others have found out what a family we have here on IDA, when we are down, they help us up, when we are happy, they share in our joy. May the joys you are feeling now continue.
Continue the road your on and always know that some one will always be hear to listen.

Cool Wats! That was a nice post! It made my otherwise lousy evening “Nicer.”
Seriously, thanks!
Tuck

That’s the best news I’ve heard all day, glad to here life has been good to you AmWatson! Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours and thank you for the post!

I have been following your progress for a while now, without sending any posts. I am greatly impressed with your progress and your attitude about the whole situation. Keep up with everything you have been doing. The IDA “family” is getting better and better, and it is posts like this, that help to remind us why we are here,and to help when we can.

I know you had mentioned a while back, that you have not been fishing in a while, if you are interested, I would be more then willing to share my boat with you for a day. Send me a pm if you are interested.

Keep up the good work, and keep us up to date on your progress.