Thanks for the ride

Never give up , Give your self a break from your old habits. If you find yourself behind the computer to much, turn it off, Play with the little ones go outside work on the yard, do the little projects that havent been done for months and years. If you stay busy and you think positive while your accomplishing the home projects that wear on a guy that never get done. Find time to talk with your wife about your and her goals family, Kids.

Go fishing, go to the local sporting goods B.S. with the owner. And Friends come and go all through out your life. I know that when or before I got Married I had a bunch old buddys I use to roam around with that I don’t see anymore either. Now I concentrate my time with my wife and 2 boys. I Try to make the best of each day. I look for somthing good either from them or somebody or thing in my daily routine. Someone once told me, Try to be the best person you can be, try to find the positives in some THING or somebody , like it or them or not. Throw out all negatives and look only for something positive it might only take 10 seconds or it may take hours, days, or longer. You will more than not find a positive from something negative. Kind of like the saying “think of the bright side.” Anyways it’s GOOD to know your feeling better.

I wonder why RED squirrels made a home in my garage? I’m still trying to find a positve for this one?

I wonder why squirrels chase each other up and down all around? I think It might be there protecting their food!!! You would think they would share by now. every time Im out in the woods, squirrels are doing their thing chasing or playing, or just running of steam? JEFF

I don’t know the ages of your kids but might I suggest taking them fishing. It is a great bonding time if they are into it. I have 3 kids and 2 of the 3 liked fishing and all liked being in the boat. I started them all out young and let them decide from there. I can remember changing Chris’ diaper on the old Lund boat seat and it just took off from there. Today he is the best boat partner any Dad could ever ask for and if I hadn’t taken the time in the early years it might not have turned out so.

Hey man, I am a relative newbie on this board, but I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. I was at a similar point in my life two years ago. Booze and life in general had taken their toll on me and I was ready to pull the trigger. I thank God every single day that I didn’t do the deed. You wanna know what’s great about hitting rock bottom? There is nowhere to go but UP! Things have a way of working out. Best of luck to ya buddy. If I can help in any way by sharing my experience with you, just pm me.

I wish you all the best.

Erik

Just got back from my therapy session. As we dig deeper into my memories, I realized today that it actually isn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I would like to thank those of you that have cheered me on and said to stay with the therapy sessions. I would never have thought I could or would ever need this kind of treatment. As I walked out of the building today, I stopped and looked up at the cloudy sky and with a breath of air, released a little more of the past. It actually felt really good. I am going to continue the sessions until I am free from the haunting memories and until I can live free from my fears. The therapists are truely special people. I tried to put myself in their shoes today. Imagine all the terrible things they hear in a days work and yet they are still calm and have great attitudes. Now if I can just get the sun to shine

your the man wats .Keep it up buddy

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Now if I can just get the sun to shine

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You keep this up and it will shine on YOU.

Glad to hear that it is working. Like I said in an earlier post it just takes some time.
Ron

Great to hear Bud. You are going the right way.
Thanks, Bill

Thanks for the update buddy. The sun will shine soon You be the man

Hey! Get the temps to go up to please Keep up the good work! You can do it!

dd

hey Wats,

that is the greatest news I have heard all week, it really sounds like you are getting back to being your true self. if you keep on going like this you should be making some great steps towards your recovery. please keep on going to your sessions and please keep us informed on your progress.

shane

Since, I’m new to this site, I really don’t know anyone here, but I just have to say…

I am so impressed with everything I’ve read on this posting. We are each sitting at home in front of our computers – ALONE – yet, here we are CONNECTING with each other. We really aren’t alone, are we?

It took so much courage for you ALL of you to post your feelings. I admire that. From reading the MANY postings, it looks like others have similar experiences. I consider this to be one of the BEST uses of the internet… building COMMUNITY! We are all made of the same stuff. We are believing lies when we think we are all alone, but it’s easy to do. Many of us do not have the kind of close friendships or family ties that we desire. Don’t we all have a need to “belong” somewhere? And when will it just come up in conversation that we are hurting, angry, confused, or hopeless? It makes more sense to just go fishing to get away from everything.

Yet, here we are… finding fellowship and help for all kinds of problems on a fishing forum. (I just LOVE how God can meet our EVERY need!)

I have cried and smiled while reading this thread and have been able to give thanks to God. Thankfully, I SURVIVED my attempt at ending things (over 20 years ago), and through therapy/meds I’ve been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That is my prayer for you, too!

Keep talking and posting! It’s the silent isolation that is deadly.

Wats- I echo everything that ‘Fishermissus’ said. This was the first post I read when I found IDA and I was amazed by your amazing honesty and all of the support that you’ve received. No doubt this is a special group of folks that are giving you great advice. I haven’t gone through anything like what you’re going through but my girlfriend/fiance is going through it right now. She was adopted as a newborn and let’s just say that her family was never really there for her. I hear of things they’ve done and said and it’s all I can do not to go crazy and do or say something I shouldn’t. Now she’s 34 and it’s all hitting her like a ton of bricks. It’s been six months since she started counseling and there’s good days and bad days for her and for us. I just try to be there for her whenever she needs me and listen when she wants to talk. I’m a ‘fixer’, though, and it’s hard to accept the fact that this is something I can’t even begin to fix. I don’t know what will happen with our relationship but I won’t give up on her nor will I go down without a fight. You’re a fighter too, Wats, I can tell. Keep it up, dude, and the best of luck to you!

Gods blessings to you all.

Well, another session today I am finding I actually look forward to going to them now instead of being afraid of them. Today wasn’t real difficult with the things we talked about. One thing I had validated was something I knew for quite some time. I learned I have mental “triggers” that set me off pretty easy. One is being around drunk people. When ever I get around these people I “relive” my home life when I was younger. I am not talking about a few friends having a few drinks and having a good time. I am talking about people who get drunk, act like idiots or think they are the toughest person in the bar. When I get around that scenario I get very edgy and get angry. Also when ever, say a co-worker, goes out after work and gets hammered and then comes to work smelling like booze. I work with a guy like this. He cannot function for a few hours or shows up late, while myself and the rest of the crew has to pick up his slack. That is one of my other “triggers”, irresponsibility. If a person canot pull his weight, then it would be better to not come near me. The last few days I have been extremmelly edgy because of this guy. Now, I have to learn to control my feelings and let the guy chart his own course in life. In one way I feel sorry for him. I can see where he is headed but he will not take any advice, if he only knew
I left the session with a lot of positive things said to me about me from the therapist. He thinks we are on the right track and we still have some work to do, but it takes time. For the time being I still bury myself in work to keep myself occupied, but I do feel better all the time. Thanks for all the support. You guys and gals are #1 in my book.

This is a great thing to hear AM! Keep it up! Last night I was actually thinking about you and wondering how you were! My ex wife came over yesterday and after she left I remembered how bad she used to pee me off and the funk I would get into for days afterwards and my first thought was…..my counseling has worked and I wonder how AMWatson is doing! Did the tape help any? Every day is a new one and it does get better! Good luck!

Keep up the good work my friend.It is good to hear you are doing well.

Good to hear things are getting better for ya Am, I look around me seeing more people running into tough times these days, its real nice to know there is hope out there. Keep it up man, good for you!

I knew you could do it! You have alot of friends here who believe in you.

Thanks, Bill

Good to hear Wats. I sure am glad you keep us posted. Like many have told you, I have been thinking of you and pray things are working out.
Keep up the good work

Great news!! Sounds to me like you are on the path to a happier life. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Hey!
I want to thank you for the ride that this thread is giving all of us. It really is IMHO a very useful thread. How useful we will never know. At the very least I think it has made people think and maybe take a hard look at some aspects of their lives that may need changing. I look forward to many more reports!

dd

How true drewsdad, how true

hey wats,

it is good to hear that you are starting to feel better. I am sure that there will be some more hard sessions ahead but I know that you will pull through just fine. I can honestly say that this thread has became one of my favorites. I just like to check it and see if there are any updates from anyone.

thanks

shane

COOL AM ! It’s the little wins like that that lead to the BIG victory in the end.

I don’t know what it is about construction crews ( or at least the ones I’ve been on ) but they seem to draw folks like you describe ( drink too much ). I’ve been in the B Top biz 14 years now and every year we have at least 1 dude like that on our crew. It used to urine me off too but then I came to realize these guys have problems and just can’t get a handle on it.
I too once had a problem with the bottle. Though I can’t say for sure I ever neglected my work duties I’m sure there were days I did’nt pull my weight.
I’m lucky. One day I decided I had had enough of looking at the world through the bottom of a beer bottle and gave up the hard core drinking. There was a time I was 3 sheets to the wind 6 nights a week. The reason it was’nt 7 nights a week is because I was dead broke come Sunday. Now it’s maybe 3-4 beers a month for me and more often than not less. I know I have to be careful because the juice demons are still there waiting for me to slip up. Drinking was the main reason I went through my dark stage in life as well. That in itself is enough reason for me to stay away from the hard core drinking.

A little off topic and sorry for that but now when dealing with guys like that at work I understand the mechanics of why they pursue a self destructive path. They can’t help it. Well , not yet anyways.

Anyhow , keep up the good fight dude ! Sounds like your making good progress. The best is yet to come. You’ll see !

Amwatson,thank you for the updates on your progress,I have thought of you from time to time and have made a conclusion that many of our lifes parrel each others with hunting and fishing thats makes a bound to each other.
There are many bumps in the road for you and others of us that your courage to seek the help you need will encourage others to seek the help they may need.
If you need anything please contact me
Sincerly DaveC

I went to another session the other day and came away somewhat dissappointed The therapist basically went through the plan to get me where we thought I wanted to go. He asked me about how my finances, marriage, and job were going. All are good. But, I wanted to know how to let go of the past. He says he really doesn’t know how to help me do that I am at a loss here. For the most part, the meds have really helped me relax and not be so angry all the time. That was one of the goals I wanted. The therapist then tells me what I need to do is learn to express myself with other emotions besides anger. I had that pretty well down to a science He tells me maybe I need to see the beauty in the sunrise or other things in life. In a sense, I see all that when it comes to nature, I just can’t express it to people.
I have been married for going on 9 years. In those years I can tell you how many times I have told my wife the 3 magic words on one hand, and not use all my fingers. I shut my feelings off many years ago, and now don’t really know how to express feelings. They are there, and I feel them, I just can’t bring myself to tell people how I really feel.
Right now, I feel pretty good. But, I am afraid I might be getting a false sense of security. I now worry about when things are going to fall apart again. I still have all the memories of the past, and cannot get them to go away. The part that makes me the most angry is all the good things I missed as a kid. We never did anything together. I never had a real conversation with my step dad the whole time I lived at home. I was scared to ask him anything or even try to talk to him. I only talked to him when he was beating on me. The therapist said he may not even recall half the things he did when he was drunk, kind of like a blackout stage. But I do, every individual “episode”. There was a time when I could have done something unthinkable to him just to get him to leave me alone. But, I am glad I chose not to do that. All I knew was that I had to survive long enough to be able to move out. I finally did at 15 years old. Imagine living on the streets at 15. No home, no job, and no direction to go. It isn’t fun.
I am pretty sure I am done with the therapy sessions. If he doesn’t know how to help me, what’s the point?

Consider the realization that you have outgrown the capabalities of your counselor …. appreciate what he has done … but now, it may be time to find another professional to help you move on …..

today the New England Journal of Medicine published an article on “Prevalance and Treatment of Mental Disorders, 1990 to 2003” ….. in short, your distress is, unfortunately, shared by many.

Continue with the meds, and find another talk therapist …. this combination is the gold standard for more deeply rooted problems ….

This is an evolution point, not an end point, for you

Congratulations! A MileStone to appreciate.

Barry

Hey Sir!
I think you do a great job of expressing yourself on the computor. I tell my wife “I love you!” all the time. It has become like saying “excuse me” or “howdy”. No big deal. It isn’t magical because I say it all the time. Saying something over and over ad nauseum doesn’t make it special. The delivery and feelings behind what you say or struggle to say conveys the message.

I don’t know that your memories will ever go away. I know you can get to the point of acceptance. Maybe you can get to where you are ok with yourself and feel sorry for your stepdad. Sorry that he wasn’t a good man and missed out on what he could have had too.

You’re doing good work and you should be proud!
Keep it up!

dd

Joel pretty much said it all, keep up the good work AmWatson!

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Hey Sir!
I think you do a great job of expressing yourself on the computor. I tell my wife “I love you!” all the time. It has become like saying “excuse me” or “howdy”. No big deal. It isn’t magical because I say it all the time. Saying something over and over ad nauseum doesn’t make it special. The delivery and feelings behind what you say or struggle to say conveys the message.

I don’t know that your memories will ever go away. I know you can get to the point of acceptance. Maybe you can get to where you are ok with yourself and feel sorry for your stepdad. Sorry that he wasn’t a good man and missed out on what he could have had too.

You’re doing good work and you should be proud!
Keep it up!

dd

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AmWatson,
Don’t get down on yourself man, your doing good. Your journey through life has been tough enough. Don’t add to it by beating yourself down. Build yourself up instead. Things will work out. Build on the good things, and understand and learn from the bad things.

Look into trying a different therapist. Therapists are all different and each will try/do something different to help their clients. There’s a therapist out there somewhere that can help you. It’s your job to find that therapist.

If you can stand writing or typing, try keeping a journal. It can be very helpful. Over time, you can go back and read the journal and maybe make some sense of your feelings at the time you wrote your entries.

Don’t give up. Keep going. A lot of us admire you for having the guts to post what you are going through. There are many of us who wouldn’t have the fortitude to do that.
Clark

You know if things are too good to be true, they usually are? If that ain’t the truth. Things have been going pretty good for awhile. I have been spending more time with the kids and talking to the wife more. I got the desire to get out of bed and try and loosen up some. My temper is controllable finally. But then BOOM, the demon inside decides it is going to take over tonight I have been “hiding” since I have gotten home from work. That is the best way for me to deal with this. If everybody stays out of my path, then the little demon can’t go off on someone . The beast within feels like hitting the rewind to my life and then pushing play. But the thing I can’t understand is why can’t I ever watch the good times? Have I blocked them all out, or does the bad overtake the good in life? The more I see from the past, the more haunted and hateful I feel inside. I almost feel like two different people during these episodes. I still can’t express myself verbally, so that is why I am here again. I am hoping that in doing so I can get through it without totally losing it. I can still feel myself getting to the edge everyday, but I have been able to pull myself back. Today is different. What is really confusing is my mother has called more lately than ever. It didn’t seem to bother her to put me through hell when I was young, so why bother now? The damage is done and is irreversable. There is no way to take away the past. I have come to accept that it will always haunt me until the demon wins. I just hope I can hold it off until the kids are on their own. Maybe by then they will be able to understand why I am like this. While I am living day to day and most are better, I can’t see where I will be in the future. I can’t see myself as an old man. Is it because my destiny really doesn’t intend for me to be old? Is life predetermined from birth, and in our self conscious minds we get to see brief glimpses of what is to come? When I get in these moods, I turn to music. But, I always turn to classic country. Like right now I am listening to music from 1975-1979. Most of the classic country is sad songs. I wonder if the broken souled people are drawn to those type of songs? That is how I would describe myself, a broken and lost soul. Sometimes I wonder if I am like this because I was beaten down as a kid or because I have no real belief in God. That was a word we never used because my step father didn’t believe in religion. I kind of think the same way. If there was such a thing, why would He let the world be in such a mess? Well, I better quit rambling on. Thanks for listening