Ya know what bro? Feel free to vent here anytime you want. If it helps you feel better please do. Just remember you will not get better over night and you will not be happy with all you are about to learn about who you are, however you are who you are and we sure like to hear what you have to say. The people here who know you sure seem to like you and look forward to spending time with you and helping just remember that.
Hope you are feeling better
Adam
Hang Tough dude ! It’s time to be greedy and put yourself first. Get yourself squared away first then you will be better equiped to handle lifes little suprises as they unfold. Your Moms timming was’nt the best but you can sort that out once your back up to speed. Try not to dwell on it.
Until then ride this bump in the road out and keep the faith !
I’m pullin for ya %110 Bub ! 
It’s not going to be easy. If you want to vent, go ahead and vent and we’ll listen. You have alot of people who think about how you are doing everyday.
Hey my friend Mike, this is mossydan down here in cornfield county Iowa. Mike my friend i know what very serious problems are, the kind that you can hardly control at all, i’ve been there. You’ve done the best thing by going to a doctor. You don’t want to know all the details about what happened to my family and too me on a personal experience but because of this happening i can identify with your feelings. Ive been to the doctor and got the medicine i needed and it helped me through those tough times. These are times that you don’t know what to do and are reaching deep inside to find answers and can’t find what your looking for. Ive combatted depression because of something that happened in my life. Now that your on medication just do what the doctor says and you’ll be alright. One thing that will help and do you good is think of nice calm things, fields of flowers, rivers, you fishing on them and catching fish, mountain ranges, calm things. These type of things will help you relax. If you listen to music play structured music, calm music once in awhile. When a person gets ill and i’ve been there it can wear the body down and its hard to relax then, doing calm things will help the nerves to relax. A couple of the guys at the site here know whats happened to my family and me and even though we haven’t met face to face i still consider them friends because when i did the same thing as you did writing those on board here they said they would help by praying for me too. Were all brothers and sisters here and were all here for eachother in time of need. Take your time buddy because you are number 1. and remember theres a whole lot of people around you that care about you, just like you care about them. Message me or us here anytime if you need to talk, none of us are unbreakable and keep fishing too make yourself feel good and get your strong health back.
hey wats,
just good to see you out and about on the site here. you just feel free to post here any time you need to. that way you can put your feelings into words and besure to show your wife what you have posted. that way she can see inside of your feelings. keep climbing
shane 
Dealing with things in our lives can and will be painful but always remember that it helps the pain to go away. There have been many things in my life that I couldn’t control so I had to ”let go” of them and ”let God” handle them. There is strength in our weekness because we learn to lean on others and the Lord and to let go and give it to the Lord. I don’t know all the reasons why things happened the way they did but I also don’t need to know now either. Someday when I’m with the Lord then I will know. Let what hurts out so you can get rid of that stuffed pain and do it with your councelor. Let it out, let it go. And then you will be able to get on with a better life for yourself. Trust me, it works. 
Thanks, Bill
The beast is back. I have been doing pretty good for about a week. Then the feelings came back. The last few days I have been feeling a lot of anger and it won’t go away. The wife has had to deal with me. Today I lashed at at a friend that didn’t deserve it. He also pointed out a complex I have when I get to feeling this way. I feel like everybody is out to get me or trying to tune me out. I hate it when it happens. I thought willpower could make it go away, but I have willed the demons as much as I can, but they stay in my head. Sometimes I feel like I am in a room and can’t escape. The walls of negativity seem to close in tighter and tighter. The therapy hasn’t really done anything, only make me relive the beatings and verbal abuse I grew up with. Also the abuse my mother took. I blame her as much as her husband. She could have left him but she turned her back on the abuse and stayed. My life sucks as much as life itself right now. Sometimes I can dream of what life could have been. I envy people who can remember good times with their dads like fishing and hunting trips. I just wished I had a childhood. It seems I went from a small kid right into adult. I had to just to survive. I missed out on a lot of things growing up, that I can never get back. It also seems like what I do remember I can’t seem to forget. I so wish there was a way to hypnotize the past away so I can go on trying to live a normal life. That’s all I want right now, to feel normal. I would love to have the feeling that I belonged somewhere.Because right now, I feel lost to the world.
Dont give up on the therapy wats. Some day you will leave the past behind and move on with your life. It may take awhile but imm sure your gonna make it. You are in my thoughts buddy
Wats, my Dad is still alive, and he chose to not be a part of our lives 9 years ago. We are all living without him, and it sucks. Please don’t do that to your kids. You can’t forget the past, but can you see it in your heart to make a better future? I can’t pretend to know what you are going through. I think that the whole reason behind therapy is to deal with the past, rationalize it so that you can move ahead. It’d gotta be tough at first. Hang in there Bud! Please!
Tuck
Wats, rest assured that you do belong somewhere…one of the places you belong is right here with your IDA friends and family. There will be bumps in the road, but in time they will become fewer, smaller and farther between! Just keep on keepin’ on and stick with the therapy. I(along with many others)am pulling for you.
Mike, You Do belong here!! If you didn’t belong here I would never have met you. All of us Bs are praying for you,stay strong Mike…….Brian,Linda, Sean and Keely
Watts,
You are wanted here.
You are wanted at home.
The hill is a [censored] to climb but the view is great. Lots of small bumps along the way.
I have one question people want to feel normal, what the he!! is normal?
We all think about the past, sometimes wishing that we could change things. We learn from the past and keep learning as we go.
Just keep going and things will start to look better.
Ron
Watts, Hang in there we are all here for you. I just finished a small group study with my church group 40 days of purpose. I’m sure you feel like you don’t have a purpose right now. However, we all have a purpose. Some times it is hard to figure out. I’m not sure what mine is, except to maybe cheer you on right now. My prayers are with you and listen to you counselors and family. They are there to help you.
Ivan
Good point ! Forget comparing your self to ” normal ” people. It’s a waste of time and energy. I did that too when I went through my struggle. Then one day I realized I am me and everyone is different. I’m not the best ,the richest , the hardest worker or best person. I’m going to disapoint myself and others. I’m going to have good and bad days. There will be days I feel I fit in and days I don’t.
In other words , I ( and you too ) are just like everyone else. It’s just that some folks are better actors than others. So do yourself a favor and forget comparing yourself to other people buddy. It really does’nt matter.
As for the past ? That’s just what it is , the past. You don’t have to like it rather just acknowledge it. What else can you do ? I mean sure it sucks what you went through but what is done is done and you can’t change that especialy when it comes to the actions of others on your life. Try not to dwell on the past. Rather focus on today and be the best you that you can be. Right now that means whipping this depression ( and you will ). When you do you’ll see things in a whole new light and you’ll realize your as normal as anyone else.
This may sound strange but I’m excited for you because I know one day it’s all going to click. You’ll see things in a whole new light. Though you may not see it you are making progress. It just takes time.
Take care Bub !
Of course I don’t know the whole story but it sounds like we have much in common. The one difference is that (as Bill C. said) I quit fighting the battle and gave my problems to God. I am a reasonably intelegent person and I was sure I had all the answers and was not about to go in for any fairy tale stuff from the bible. It took me 48 years of fighting the same loosing battle before I opened my eyes.
For me this was the only way. I have never felt such peace as I do now.
My best to you.
Hey Mike!
Hang in there. Venting here is a good way to deal with the feelings. It will get better. Unfortunately it will be a crooked up and down path at times like a long BWCA portage. But it sure is nice when you reach the next lake!
dd
GEEMAN.
You hit my point right on the head 
Your post says a lot.
Ron
I am a new member and just started reading all these notes today. the first thing that comes to mind is that you do care about yourself and others and is why you are sharing with the members of IDA. also, many of us have or will experience many of the same things you are. I also struggle with many of the things you refer to and have trouble dealing with it everyday, i go from blaming my parents, to my wife , to my kids and to my self and all back thru it again. what i have realized is that many people go thru this and that you must get it out and discuss with anybody willing to listen and not judge. as i have read many responses, you have plenty of people right hear that are willing to listen and offer their support. none of us are normal or perfect- what is normal and perfect ?? is it a perception that our society has created thru t.v./radio ?
life can be like fishing- somedays the fishing is great and your arms and back are sore from all the fish, other days the fish don’t bite, another day the boat motor won’t start and the trailer blew a tire. you don’t stop fishing because of the bad days, you continue fishing because of the good days. this is therapy for all of us !!!
keep on keeping on !!!!
erik
Hey Am hang in there fella. I know what it is like to have had a bad childhood and not much fun as a kid. This is something I have only talked about in the last 5 years or so of my life. My dad sexually abused me from a time when I was so young that I can not remember until I was 13. He use to beat me, call me bad names and work me like a man. He and my mom did a lot of fighting. Then one nite as I was doing the supper dishes he and my mom got into it again. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I blurted out to mom what he had been doing to me in front of him. she went to the neighbors and called the law. He was put away in prison for 5 years. I never had anythng to do with him after that. I always felt like scum. And I am what I am today because I kept telling myself that I was going to prove to these people in this town that I was as good as they are. I have learned to hold my head high and keep going on . I still get the feeling that there are certain people that talk about it behind my back. I feel better that I can talk about it now and not be ashamed. I know it was not my fault now. I may be digging up old ashes by talking about this. But just want you to know that others are and have been in your shoes. Life can go on if you just let it. We just have to make the best of what god gives us sometimes.
Take care and my prayers are with you friend.
Just thought I would drop in with an update. Things are pretty good right now. My “happy pills” must be starting to work. I am not near as combatative or argumentative as before. I haven’t told anyone off in awhile or voiced my opinion at work. It is kind of weird though. The guys at work asked me what drugs I was on because my attitude is way different. I just laugh and not tell them anything. In a way it is kind of embarrasing to have a mental condition 
Like I said some things are better and some are not.
The bad parts are all the questions I still have and how I have been dealing with things lately. I have kind of went back to my usual way of dealing with my problem. I have been hiding behind work now. I didn’t go to my last therapy session because I thought work was more important. I am not sure I want to dig into the past like the therapist wants to do. I am afraid of reliving things and finding the root of my problems. I have conditioned my personality and lifestyle to deal with things and they might be too hard to change. Sometimes I wonder if my deal with the devil is my destiny. Maybe that is the “grand plan” for me. The way I am now has been what has kept me alive for this long. I learned at a young age how tough and cruel this world is. If I had grown up soft, well, who knows where I would be now. I grew up fighting, drinking, drugs, and living hell bent to get nowhere. I lived for today and the hell with tomorrow. I look back and realize I have accompolished nothing. I remember my grandma telling me I was going to be somebody someday, and here I sit. I am somebody all right, a freaking nutcase, living for a daily “happy pill”, to get me through the day. I am not sure where things are headed yet. I don’t have many regular friends, 2 that I have known longer than 2 years. One is in Iowa and the other is in Iraq. My social life pretty much sucks. I can’t stand crowds or the bar scenes. I can’t even get the drive to really fish anymore. I don’t like to fish alone but I force myself to get out a little lately. I have been contemplating selling the boat and walk away from fishing. I can always keep busy at work to keep my mind occupied. I just realized how much I am rambling so I will stop now and quit wasting peoples time and space on the board.
When you need to talk or get something of your back its not wasting anyone’s time or message space! Remember that!
It’s good to see you seem to be doing better, I think more people are proud of you for seeking help! Just stick with it, you have made it this far in life without help, and you have made a huge step already to bettering (I don’t know if that’s a word!) you life! Keep it up!
I’m sure I speak for everyone here at IDA in saying we’re proud of you for getting the help you need!
Take care and be strong, and hang in there!!
Steve
Amwatson,
I am sure that I am not the only one to notice that you have a special gift of putting your thoughts and feelings into words. Your writings here have touched many people and part of it is surely the heartfelt feelings but part is your ability to take those feelings and put them into words that other people can feel. I would think that in times when you are down that maybe writing would help you through it. I am not trying to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong it’s just your words have so much power that if you can harness them who knows where they’ll take you. Please hang in there.
AmWats,
Please don’t think your wasting anyones time here. We all use this site for our own purposes, and share it with everyone. I’ve asked for help with my washing machine for cripes sakes! I agree with the previous posters who told you basically to continue to write, and lean on us. I’ve never met you, but I care for you as a person. Keep on posting, and sharing your feelings. I’m sure its cathartic in it’s own way. Good luck, and please share what ever it is you feel like sharing.
Steve
Quote:
Just thought I would drop in with an update. Things are pretty good right now. My “happy pills” must be starting to work. I am not near as combatative or argumentative as before. I haven’t told anyone off in awhile or voiced my opinion at work. It is kind of weird though. The guys at work asked me what drugs I was on because my attitude is way different. I just laugh and not tell them anything. In a way it is kind of embarrasing to have a mental condition
The bad parts are all the questions I still have and how I have been dealing with things lately. I have kind of went back to my usual way of dealing with my problem. I have been hiding behind work now. I didn’t go to my last therapy session because I thought work was more important. I am not sure I want to dig into the past like the therapist wants to do. I am afraid of reliving things and finding the root of my problems. I have conditioned my personality and lifestyle to deal with things and they might be too hard to change. Sometimes I wonder if my deal with the devil is my destiny. Maybe that is the “grand plan” for me. The way I am now has been what has kept me alive for this long. I learned at a young age how tough and cruel this world is. If I had grown up soft, well, who knows where I would be now. I grew up fighting, drinking, drugs, and living hell bent to get nowhere. I lived for today and the hell with tomorrow. I look back and realize I have accompolished nothing. I remember my grandma telling me I was going to be somebody someday, and here I sit. I am somebody all right, a freaking nutcase, living for a daily “happy pill”, to get me through the day. I am not sure where things are headed yet. I don’t have many regular friends, 2 that I have known longer than 2 years. One is in Iowa and the other is in Iraq. My social life pretty much sucks. I can’t stand crowds or the bar scenes. I can’t even get the drive to really fish anymore. I don’t like to fish alone but I force myself to get out a little lately. I have been contemplating selling the boat and walk away from fishing. I can always keep busy at work to keep my mind occupied. I just realized how much I am rambling so I will stop now and quit wasting peoples time and space on the board.
Hey Bud, you don’t have a mental problem, you have a ”medical” problem. Your system was out of wack so to speak and the meds help put it back where it needs to be. Not dealing with the past got you where you were and dealing with it now will get it out and keep you from staying back there. No pain no gain they call it in weight lifting. Your therapy and doctors will get you where you need to be to live a good life. Its the path to take and I’m sure you know that as you have already seen healthy differences. Proud of you Bud.
Thanks, Bill
ps. I know people who have gone the route you are headed with your doctors and meds and they are the happiest they have ever been. It works.
Here’s one of my favorite quotes:
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
-Sir Winston Churchhill
Hey Mike!
A lot of folks have a hard time adjusting. If you are used to things being one way it is tough when things go the other way, even if it is a positive direction. You already made the decision to change and that takes courage. Keep it up sir!
dd
I would like to thank all of you that have replied,PM’ed, and taken the time to read about my life so far. It does seem to help a lot when I write about things that are uncomfortable to talk face-to-face about. I have been a loner for so long and I need to change that somehow. It is so easy to find the negative things and thoughts and much tougher to see the positive side of my life. So I am going to look at the positive side of things today. I have a great wife and kids. Sometimes the kids drive me nuts, but I was a kid once to. My wife is totally opposite of me in so many ways. She is pretty calm and level headed and has unreal patience. She has to have patience to be with me this long 
I have put her through hell at times and she is still here. I really don’t know where or what condition I would be in without her. For many years I told myself the only person I needed was me. I thought I could handle anything in life with a bad attitude and a willingness to throw a punch if somebody looked at me funny. I have mellowed out a lot over the years, thankfully.
As a kid, I never really had many friends. I went to school, did my chores, and then hid in my room. I learned that if I stayed out of sight, I was out of mind. I must have read thousands of books in my little “sanctuary”. I spent very little time watching t.v. and never played video games at home. The weekends were the worst time of my life. That is when I would lay awake at night waiting for the drunk s.o.b. to come home. I knew what was coming so there was no need to go to sleep. The abuse also happened on weeknights. Imagine being yelled at and then being slapped and punched until wee hours of the morning and then having to get up and go to school. There were quite a few times my mom would keep me home or excuse me from gym class to hide the bruises. Things were different back then. I still don’t have a lot of trust for people. My kids will never have to deal with the abuse I had. I don’t drink very often, although I do have a few on occasion. But, they have to deal with a different kind of abuse. I still to this day hide in my room in front of the computer, or lately reading a lot of books, while they do whatever it is they do. That is something else I need to work on. They are going to be gone and I have missed out on a lot of things in their lives. But, like we all know, nobody likes change. I have a lot of changing to do and it is rough. All I can do is hope to change little by little until I can be comfortable with a different lifestyle. Thanks again for listening.
Dude, you are a real man! What you are doing is awesome, and an inspiration! I am sitting here while my kids are upstairs playing Play Station. I think I’ll go hang out with them for a bit!
Thanks!
Tuck
You got things going in the right direction dude! I’ve not fought the exact battle you are fighting, but have had to bury some pretty heavy demons in my life also. Keep talking, keep trying, and take each day as a blessing from above, it gets easier!
John
hey wats,
I am soo proud to hear that you are doing great! I know you are going to have better days and not so good days. I would always be a great ear if you ever needed it. we could just email or pm eachother and that way you can put into words what you are writing. I think that your children still love you no matter what and will be there for you no matter what. please keep us informed on how you are doing.
shane
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