To all that has PM’ed me and posted here, I am really grateful and I and my wife thank you. I didn’t put this post on here to gain sympathy or draw attention. I simply had to reach out because I have held everything in for so long and it caught up to me. Maybe I can give you a look into the mind of a “mad man”. People have experienced depression know what I mean. I could put on a happy face when people were around, but inside I was falling apart. As the years went on, it was harder to “escape” the feelings inside. I thought I was tough and didn’t need anybody or anything to help me with my problem. People, there are things in this life that NEED outside help. I never got help because I thought I was being weak. My family looks up to me to be the leader, and I failed them badly. The longer I pushed the feelings away, the harder it got to get over the next bout. Some may not want to hear what I am going to say next, but it needs to be said. Last night after posting, things turned ugly. My wife was already asleep and all the anger, guilt, and helplessness finally took it’s toll. I sat in my room mentally making preparations for what was to be my last day. I had it all planned out and visualized my every move. The shotgun was 3 feet away. I have never felt so scared and numb in my life. It was like everything was going to be alright, all I had to do was walk into the woods behind the house. At some point, something inside made me stop. I wished I knew what it was, but I don’t. At that point, I knew something had to be done and soon. I used to think suicide was for cowards but now I am not so sure. When you experience something like that first-hand, your view changes. This is not something that just happens, it culminates over a period of time. I just reached the breaking point. I can tell you this, and I am not going to hide behind my emotions anymore. Last night, this morning, and this afternoon I cried like a baby. Somebody tipped off the wife today so she found out about the post. I know who you are and to tell you the truth, I want to thank you. I still was not man enough to tell her myself. We spent this afternoon at the clinic. I was diagnosed with sever depression. The doctor I spoke with treated me like a human being not the nut case I thought I was. He has me on meds for now, but he also has me going to a therapist on Thursday. I also had some blood drawn so it can be tested for a chemical imbalance. The doctor thinks the therapist will do more for the healing process than the meds, so I am going to trust him. I have a long way to go before this is all over, but I am releived to finally get some of the pain off my chest. I strongly beleive I nearly lost everything in life last night and I never want to experience those fellings again. And, you were all right, my wife was/is going to be with me until we can get my life back on the right track. For people who are in the position I am in, get help soon. Do not be like me and think you are invincible and cn get through life on your own, because you can’t. Again, thank you all for taking the time to post your thoughts and prayers for me, I really did and still do, need them. This site means the world to me 
Am I prey you get what you need from wherever it is you need to get it, good luck bud. 
Thats GREAT 
