Thanks for the ride

I just want to thank all of you for the ride I have taken on the site. I might be leaving for awhile. For the last few years ( 5 or more ), I seem to have lost myself and I need to find myself. I am not sure where it will lead me and sometimes I am afraid of where the search may end. Psychologically, my life is trashed and I can’t seem to shake the thoughts in my head about me or my childhood. It is to the point where I can’t even handle my family. I feel like I could just snap at any time. That is the part that scares me the most. Some that know me, know that I am not the easiest to get along with and for that I am sorry. I do not purposely get moody and get an attitude, it is something inside that I can’t shake. I used to think that a positive attitude is all it took to be happy. But, it isn’t. Anymore I could care less whether I wake up the next day, yet every night I break out in cold sweats because I am scared of dying. Fishing and hunting were the only things that I really cared for. I use fishing and hunting to get away from it all, but it keeps following me. It is like there are demons in myself that refuse to leave me alone. Why I am I writing this to people I hardly know? Because I can’t explain it to my wife or anybody for that matter face to face. My wife doesn’t know what is going on in my mind, but I am pretty sure she suspects something is wrong. She is one tough person to have dealt with my anger and blow-ups for the last 10 years. I don’t know how to explain it to her nor do I want her to be involved in my problems. She has no clue I am writing this and I prefer to keep it that way. You folks on this site are all great people, keep making this site different from the rest. I am headed for who knows where

Mike

Sharing this with us was a good first step and I would bet you feel a little better right now, if only a little bit. If I could suggest anything it would be for you to share this with your wife. Tell her you have something of the most serious nature to discuss with her and go some place where the two of you can be alone to talk about this. Tell her what you told us and I sure she will feel your pain and your need to find help. Far too often people fail to see the strength, love and patience in those closest to them…. I’ve done it, I’m sure most of us have as well. I’m sure your wife loves you and when she realizes how much you need her to be there for you, she will be. My guess is you will find her willingness to stand by you regardless of what comes next to be a true blessing in your life that can be built upon as you address your past.

I… WE all wish you the best and if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m always available day or night.

Mike…

I’m not sure what’s going on with ya buddy …But we met on IDA, and for those of you who haven’t met or fished w/mike, He is the nicest guy you’ll meet. He’ll give you the shirt off his back! I’m proud to call you my friend and if you need anything….you have my number.

Hey fella. Sorry to hear of your problems. I think a lot of us have been in or very close to the position you are in right now. I totally agree with the guys that you sit down and talk to your wife. If she has hung in there with you this long I’m sure she has the will to be there for you and with you through this. You gotta talk though and get it off your chest. Even a few tears helps and don’t be ashamed of them. It makes you no less of a man.
Good luck and hang in there friend.

AmWatson, We’ve never met but I’ve enjoyed reading your posts. It takes a lot of courage to come forward and admit that life isn’t all roses so give yourself some credit that you’ve made the right move by not keeping it all bottled up inside. The male species likes to be brought up being all knowing and able to handle everything and if that’s not the way it really is, then hold it ALL in and strut around like you do…. Well sorry but that’s not the way it works for most of us. I’ve hit some diggers in my time and the only friendly advice I’d like to offer is to search out someone that has gained experience and wisdom as to how your feeling and seek to understand how you can make changes for the better in your life. There are a number of modern day pressures put on us in today’s life that most of us don’t take the time to analyze and understand there impact on our short lives. Take a look in the yellow pages for your area or search the web and I’m confident that you will find someone that has seen a wide variety of similar symptoms/feelings that you are experiencing. With this they should be able to offer a few suggests to help make life more tolerable. I work for a rather large clinic and would be more then willing to assist in helping you find someone qualified to discuss your concerns. Thanks for taking the time to say things aren’t right because sometimes you get the feeling that everyone else is rolling in the dough when in reality things are down right tough. Send me a pm if you’d like to talk or need some assistance. Kurt

Mike,

Believe me when I say that I feel your pain. My doctor told me a few years ago, when I was going through a rough time, that many men go through a period such as you are describing, usually in our late 20’s to mid 30’s. Personally, I believe mine started when I was 27 and ended when I was 34. He explained that our childhood especially seems to come rushing back for our self-scrutiny and psychological mutilation. We beat ourselves up and “blame” ourselves for things that we had absolutely no control over, or had happened so very long ago. Of course all the time my doctor was telling me this, I thought he was flat out wrong. I finally did what James is suggesting and discussed everything with my wife. Many things she didn’t understand, but she always listened. At first it was difficult to open up to her, because I thought I wasn’t being a man by opening up everything to her. I look back on it now and smile, because I know that by including my wife in my troubles and feelings made our relationship rock solid. The other thing I did was make sure my doctor knew how I was doing, and what I was feeling. I think the primary thing he did was assure me that I was “normal.” Through my difficult time, I learned some very important lessons about me, us, and them (family). I learned that I can only control me, and it does me no good to get myself wound up over them. That was the most difficult lesson to learn and apply. By far, the most important lesson I learned is that what I sought in life couldn’t be found, it had to be made… by me, and only me. Good luck and please understand you have people willing to listen, and listen, and listen…

Jeff

Watson –

I’m sorry to hear things aren’t going so well for you right now. I do agree with the rest that you should sit down with your wife and tell her what your going through. Don’t make any rash decisions without talking to her and thinking things through fully. She married you through thick and thin, and now is the time that she can help you through this.

I wish you the best, and hope to hear from you soon!

I also have been thru some of the feelings that I think you are having. I`thought that no one would understand and too proud to talk to family/friends. Boy was I wrong after a mental breakdown and being hospitalized, I talked to everyone and it was the hardest thing that I ever did but the upside was that it helped. Somedays are better than others still but I need to take them one at a time.
As everyone has said before me. Sit with your wife have a long talk, tell her everything, it will not be easy but it will help.
Call if you want to talk; 763-350-0114
Ron

i would like to thank-you for the ride! you’ve brought a differnet aspect that not everyone does. if there’s anything i can help with let me know.

Hey Mike;

I just met ya at the GTG this year. I won’t pretend to know how you feel. I will say you are a better man than you think you are. Pm me if I can help,I’ll give ya my anytime #……B

I sent you a PM. Please respond.

You’ll make it through! I’m sure it’s going to be a tough journey, but you have more help then you realize!!
If it helps, show your wife the letter you showed us. Please let her know! Your in our prayers!

Hi AmWatson!
I don’t know you and you don’t know me. I have enjoyed your posts and hope to continue enjoying your posts. I have worked in the mental health field for about 15 years. Believe me you are not alone. It sounds like you are dealing with untreated depression. It is a very common and very serious problem for a lot of folks. Please seek out some help! Posting here is a good start.

I hope I am wrong but your post sounds like a suicide note. I know “suicide” is something that people are not supposed to talk about. But the truth is it is something that people really should talk about. There would be a lot more lost loved ones around if people did talk about things when life starts turning sour. My brother Erik might still be with us if he had reached out instead of hanging himself with a belt.

I apologize to you AmWatson if I have gone to far. I just hope you find some help and listen to the folks here who may not all know you personally but still care for a friend in need. Please reply back to your thread or PM to someone hear so we know you’re ok! Take care and God bless!

dd

Its truly amazing thst you can even confess that you have been escaping thru hunting and fishing. Just being able to share that with all of us is the begginning of something new. Sharing your pain brings healing. God always sheds light on our problem so that He can help us bring an end to our suffering.

Facing your fears is something all of us face. We can either do it alone or with those who love us. Your wife will never be given the opportunity to love you through this time filled full of childhood memories unless you share the pain and frustration.

I just pray that GOD bring answers to these questions you have. I pray that God would reveal His heart to you. ALso for a renewed relationship for you and your wife.

His desire is that would wouldn’t fear dying but just rest and give it all to Him.

Feeling like life is too broken and it can’t be fixed . Don’t run. I encourage you to spend time with as much passion you put into hunting and fishing, into finding peace in your life.

I say all this because like you I have run and allowed myself to harbor so much hurt and frustration in my heart. Not understanding how to verbalize what was going on inside.
Until the two years ago when my Dad, son, uncle, grandpa,mother inlaw died. Did I face my fear of dying also.
Even this past fall I fell 23 feet bowhunting and broke my neck. That was the first time I cryed out loud for God to help me in a long time. I was over a half mile from any road or house.The whole time all i could think of was why didn;t I love my family more. God just give me one more chance. I thought that day was the end. I’m still here. i now know life is a purpose for living to the fullest.

I so much wanted to go back in time and change so many things I did wrong. I longed for just a chance. One night after I fell my sweet wife said to me (knowing I was at my witz’s end) Troy, I wish you would tell me why you can’t look me in the eyes. Tears began to stream down my face. It was true i really couldn’t look her in the eyes. I was so ashamed at the life I was living, I didn’t really realize until then.

She reminded me of how many times we used to spend just adoring each other looking at each other and thanking God for each other. I had forgotten what it was like to live.

i know right know your tired of being tired of the same old life. Please choose to make a choice today. Go shed some tears with your wife. Love on her like you have never done.
tell her everything that torments you. Rememer if you ask the Lord for help with sharing all of this with your wife He will give you the words.

I don’t know you but i share your grief.

Hey there “Chili Cheese Fries”

When you get back to reading these post you’ll come to see there is a huge family here willing to lend an ear and listen to what ever you need to talk about..If your ever in the neighborhood come take a stroll thru the shop and we can talk…Nothing like walking thru a candy store to open up the mind

Heck I might even put you to work packing up another order you have my number

hey Wats,

I felt like we connected the other day chating about Chris. From one of his songs, you just have to put a saddle on every battle and hold on as long as you can! but when you do fall off, you have all of us there to help you get picked up and dusted off and ready to go again. I have been dealing with alot of frustrations and worries the last couple of weeks myself. a few months back, when i was unemployed i was contemplating robbing a bank, or armored truck to make sure my family could eat and have a roof over thier heads. I never did go through with it, I still go out and work my 14 hour days pretty much 7 days a week. but through all of my hard emotional stress that i have encountered, my wife and the Lord where the things that I have relied on to get me back to where i needed to be. As I sit here and read this post, I am sheding tears for your pain!! I met you last summer and I know you are a great guy! I also use my hunting and fishing to get away from reality for awhile and try to collect my thoughts, but somedays are better than others. I am sure that anybody here on this site would be more than eager to lend an ear or even offer some advice from thier experiences to you, and all you have to do is ask. I would be more than happy to come and help you, or even call you to be that ear.

I will pray that the Lord will guide you in your search for what you seek, and long that road, give you peace in your termoil that is going on inside. I pray that you and your wife will become closer because you shared this with her. and I will also pray that you will return to this family and be your normal cheerful self.

if you need me, call me anytime day or nite. 763-783-1791

Shane

Ive been thru simular times around your age , It must be very common to feel these things.. Anyways the doctor put me on some pills which I dident like , I slowly got off those, and decided to change my diet, drank lots of water and ate smaller good balanceed meals, carrot juice or pinnapple juices, THE Diet in most of us needs help and causes us alot of grief. What I tell my friends you included God put water and bread/ food on earth, It is up to us to use it to our benefit. I gotta go to work take care. Drop me a LIne………… Jeff

Mike,
I, like drewsdad, sense a dark tone to your post. I would strongly advise sharing your feelings with your wife, drawing on her strength and seeking professional help immediately. I also recommend you stay in contact with your IDA brothers and sisters if at all possible. Although we have never met, I feel like I know you. I am pulling for you, Mike!

Hi Mike, though I am a new member here, I also feel like you are family. Please share your feelings with your wife and do not try to deal with this situation alone. Isolating yourself, if that is what you are contemplating, is not the right answer. Please seek professional help ASAP, this is not the time to be a ‘man’ and bury your feelings.
Karen

Congrats my friend. You have just taken the first step in getting help in your recovery. Sharing what you are going through is a very BIG step forward. Sharing with your wife, the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with AND the person who chose to spend the rest of her life with you, is needed. I’m sure you would want her to share with you if she was going through this herself. There is pain inside of you that goes along ways back that needs to be dealth with so you can release that pain and let it go from you. Seeing someone who is a professional therapist can help you release this pain. Also sitting down and writing all this pain down on paper and then crample that paper up and throw it in the garbage can help to release it too as when you do that you can say out loud that you are throwing all this pain away, you are releasing it from you. A person needs to let it go. Its in the past and needs to stay in the past but you need a therapist who deals with and knows how to help you get over this. It needs to be dealth with in a therpy way so you can deal with it in a healthy way which will help you to be able to release it from you. Bud, you just took a very BIG step forward by sharing this. And as you can see there are people who really care about you, that you are an important person, and that people want to help you get and feel better. You are not alone when it comes to having pain built up inside of you from the past. Unfortunately I too have alot from things that happened in my 20 year marriage that ended 13 years ago. So I know how you feel to some extent. It is something I too need to completely release. My youngest daughter has said several times to me that a person needs to let it go and get over it and go on with life. You can’t change it but you can let it stay back in the past where it belongs and leave it there and get on with life. Easier said than true sometimes but shes very much right. Getting help to learn better ways of dealing with this is something you need to do for yourself. Staying in touch on this fishing site is something I would like to see you do for yourself because you love fishing and love being here and also for US as we are your friends and don’t want to see you go away from the site and us-your friends Bud. Letting a therapist help you release this and also allowing the Lord into your life helps to give you the strength to go forward and feel better about yourself and your life. His strenght will carry you through when you need him too. This I have known to be true many many times in my life. With a therapist and with the Lords strength and your wife at your side and with all your friends here you have a very winning team on your side Bud. Share this with your wife so she can help you too. You need that and so does she. Thanks for being my friend Bud and I know we will share many more fishing stories here in the future too Bud.
Thanks, Bill

You have a PM Watson. Please respond.

Your story sounds a LOT like mine Croixman. POOR DIET/lifestyle led me down a dark path I thought I’d never see the end of. I developed such a deep depression that it came down to me sitting on my bed wondering if I should pick up my 12 guage sitting 5 feet away from me and end it all. THAT is the moment I hit rock bottom. I made a decision to live and fight. That was over 20 years ago.
It was a difficult thing to admit I was out of control and had to seek help as I had shut EVERYONE out of my life at that point. Real men don’t ask for or admit they have problems and need help right ? WRONG ! Forget that BS because that’s just what it is, A load of CRAP ! It takes strength to spill your guts and admit your having difficulties. By posting what you did you have demonstrated that you DO have the courage to see this thing through. Though you probably don’t realize it that’s an important first step !

A few thoughts that I hope will help you.
First you are NOT going crazy. Though you think your going to ” snap ” ( I did too for a long time ) you never really do. In my case depression clouded my judgment. I could’nt think things through logicaly. I made mountains out of mole hills over the dumbest things looking back. Once I started on the road back to recovery the thoughts of “snapping ” going nuts, the fear and worrying what others thought faded away. Though at the time I was convinced those thoughts were real I can almost laugh about them now. They once controled me but now that I’m back in charge those thoughts are like water under the bridge. HISTORY !

You are NOT alone !
Since my ordeal I’ve talked with several people who have gone through the same deal.Just look at some of the posts on this thread if you don’t believe it. It’s the beutiful people society we live in that says it’s not cool to talk about this sort of thing.
Well , you can file that line of thought in the same circular file as the “Manly men don’t ask for help” line of thinking. You are NOT alone my friend !

The most important thing for me in my ordeal was being told ” It does get better ” by another friend who went through the same sort of deal I did. As soon as I started to believe that things started getting better for me. It was hard work for me but knowing the goal was to live a happy life again was motivation enough for me to do what I had to do , and I did !!!!! It was a long row to hoe but I tamed my beast and SO CAN YOU !!!!! My recovery took quite a while and there were many days of 2 steps forward and one step back but slowly but surely I made it and SO WILL YOU !

Hang tough dude ! There IS hope , it DOES get better. Lean on your family and friends. They are your support system so lean on them when you need to. That’s what family and REAL friends are for.

GOD BLESS YOU and PM me any time if you want to talk.
Thoughts and prayers for you buddy.

Hey Watson,
Keep your chin up. I’ve never met you but I can tell you that it takes a hell of a man to expose his inner self on a message board. You have the character and the guts to get through this. Don’t try to solve what’s going on in your life alone. You need a support system be it family, friends, or professional counseling. I’d strongly suggest qualified professional help. You need help to get though this. Don’t do this alone. I wish you the best of luck in your journey. I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for.
Clark

GOOD POINT and one I forgot. Seek counseling. There is a LOT of help out there. Start with your family doctor and let him recomend sombody.

Mike;

I sent you a PM!!!

I lost a great friend because of the similar characteristics that you mentioned.

Certainly hoping things improve for you, best wishes.

I sure hope this is helping you through your difficult time and you seek some professional help.

I can’t say I know how you feel, but I used to unpredicatably fly off the handle in a rage for no apparent reason.

My wife and I changed our pasta and carborhydrate rich diet to the South Beach Diet, where only the unprocessed carbs are allowed. After 6 months of nearly a carb free diet, my mood has markedly changed; I feel better, sleep better, lost some weight, and most importantly, I no longer go off in a rage.

I’m no expert on this dietary thing, but our diets are low in fat due to the no fat craze, and high in sugars to make these low fat foods palatable. Trouble is, these low fat high sugar foods are not only making us hefty, but altering our mood swings. Just some thoughts.

Take care.

I hope you have the opportunity to read these and can convince yourself to seek help. Untreated deression is scary and something most can not handle on their own. You are not alone in this and help WILL work, it has for many of us

Hey Buddy!

Not much left to say that has not been said already. I enjoyed your posts and look forward to hearing more once you fight through what is troubling you. I am currently dealing with a somewhat simlar situation. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it family or friends. I finally talked to my girlfriend about it one evening the other week. I often found myself using the outdoors as an escape and temporarily healer like yourself. She knew something was bothering me but didn’t know what or how to bring it up. It amazing what the woman in your ife will put up with and listen too. She listened and helped me begin to bounce back, I’m sure yours is no different. Like someone said ealrier, after our little talk our relationship which was pretty solid to begin with, probably solidified itself for life. This site just continues to amaze me. If for some reason you can’t talk to the old lady, there are plenty of open ears and friends here at IDA, including myself. Give me a PM if you want to talk, I’ll give you my number if you want to talk about life or chasing those monster whitetails. What ever you need let me know!

I know I’ve only met you once, but you’re a better man than you give yourself credit for. I hope things get better for you and I also hope we can get out on the river together soon! Best Wishes, Mike.