Best One liner

When putting the hurt on someone #’s wise in the boat…

“Man my feet are really getting sore”…. Why?
“From kicking your [censored]!!”

I always offer to hand them the pole the next time I hook up so they can feel what it’s like.

You gonna be like this all day?

Hows that workin for you?

ONE OF MY FAVORITES,

“I NEVER KNEW HE DRANK UNTILL I SAW HIM SOBER ONCE”

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

It smells like updog in here.

Ok, couple more…..

If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try not paying your taxes.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in the boat and drink all of your beer.

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you’re a mile away and have their shoes.

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

-J.

Two I have hanging on my computer here are,

Today It’s up to you to create the peacefulness you long for.
And
Good work that goes unacknowledged will Gradually disappear.

Its hard to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

Its not against the law to be stupid.

Everything works better with a little lubrication.

I am not saying it is your fault, I am just blaming you.

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN’T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I’M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE
CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY’RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT’LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23. OK, SO WHAT’S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OVERLOOKED
SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU’RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC ! MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN’T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT
HAPPENED.

37. JUST REMEMBER – IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

With hips like that she will only be good for 5 or 6 kids.

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordian.” Donald Rumsfeld

dd

ditch the b…. and lets go fishin

If I throw a stick, will you go away?

You’re right and I’m wrong…but that’s the way it is… ~Favorite Wife 2005

“The future ain’t what it used to be” and
“When you come to a fork in the road, take it” Yoggi Berra

A personal favorite.

Meetings, Because none of us is as stupid as all of us.

my new favorite was uttered by Kooty in shack #10 at the GTG, but I can’t repeat it here …

big g

Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy! Ya’ can’t possibly know how much I love this one!

My daughter’s favorite brush off line:
“It’s not that I didn’t hear you, it’s just that you’re not worth answering”.
Ouch, I pitty the boys in her future.

You can’t fix stupid, they don’t make parts for it.

This is one that I tell wrestlers when they are complaining about this or that.

-Do you want a cup?…their response..of what?
A cup of SUCK IT UP!!!

My dad always said this when I was growing up

“Sometimes it is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think your and idot, rather that open your mouth and remove all doubt.”

YOUR ALIVE SUCH A SHORT TIME AND DEAD SO LONG YOU MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY IT.

MY WIFE LOVES THIS ONE, NOT.
IF I REMEMBERED EVERYTHING YOU SAID, I WOULD NEED A HEAD THREE TIMES THE SIZE I HAVE.

“A toast to my wife and sweetheart, may they never meet”! Not sure what brought that to mind?

My favorite one liner –
“You smell pretty good for a fat chick”

Here’s one that could cause a little sole searching: Atheism, a non-Prophet organization!

One more “On the other hand, where she had warts”