how to handle mentally unstable stalker?

Knowing the diversity of the members on IDO I thought I would seek some advice of the masses. This is regarding an issue with what can best be described as a stalker. I have a female friend that works in job that has a fair amount of public exposure, and by that I mean she is well known in her community.

One day she gets a letter from somone who frequents her place of business on a regular basis professing his love for her and wanting to know if she would like to meet for coffee. She is married, politely declines, knows the guy is not mentally stable, mentions it to the police chief as she knows him well. He makes note, kind of gets dropped as slightly creepy but most likely harmless.

A couple more notes are received stating that said unstable person knows she feels the same way because he sees it in her eyes. Slightly more creepy and another discussion with police ensues.

A few days later, unstable guy approaches one of her employees in McDonald’s, confirms this person works with her, and starts asking questions about her daughter. What does she look like, where does she go to school, is she ever at the mom’s place of work. Now we are moving from creepy to WTF territory in my mind. The employee he approached is married to a police officer, who witnessed this conversation but knew nothing of previous history at that time.

Two days later, unstable guy approaches yet another of her employees and starts asking questions about my friends husband. What’s he like, is he a big guy, is he a cop?

So, to me, this just sounds like a bad scenario waiting to happen. The obvious answer is file a restraining order, but if you have ever dealt with people that have mental illness, most often it is like a double dog dare to the playground bully.

Part of me says her husband should just go old school on the guy and give him a preemptive butt kicking, but again, the guy isn’t mentally stable, and has history with violence. My friend does own a handgun, and she knows how to shoot it, but doesn’t carry and I doubt she could point it at a person and pull the trigger anyway.

Anyone on here with experience in anything similar, or with solid advice to offer? I really don’t know what to tell her other than get your permit and start carrying. The police are informed, but I don’t think he’s broken any laws yet, so I doubt they could do anything until after the fact. The last thing I want to see is an article in the paper after something happens.

Thanks

Tell her husband to pretend the stalker is a moose on a snowmobile trail.

Two people need to meet with the stalker or better yet a conference call.

She needs to tell him he’s not seeing anything in her eyes because she happy with her marriage.

The guy is just there to reinforce her message….and for protection of course.

Bottom line is he needs to hear it from her.

Sounds easy…right?

my 2 cents and I’m not even an arm chair shrink.

File a formal complaint at the police department as long as they have already talked to the police. Get it down in writing. Also file an Order for Protection. (Restraining order) Just my opinion.

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Tell her husband to pretend the stalker is a moose on a snowmobile trail.

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Honestly I don’t know what you can do other than report to the police and file a restraining order. That family needs to be on high alert. One of the prices of freedom is a scenario like this.

I agree with taking all the proper steps reporting this to the police and filing for a restraining order. You mentioned she has a hand gun, but no permit. What about carrying mace as a non leathal option? I know it’s not going to stop everyone but may be something that buys her enough time to call the police should a situation arise (which hopefully doesn’t).

As previously stated, the restraining order is a tool, but nothing more than that. I’ve dealt with some folks who have been diagnosed with being bi polar, they know they are but refuse to take meds. Point being is you know all this you know how to handle it, but $hit still happens. Waiting for a response from LE in a case like this is too little too late. Telling this person that what they’re thinking is just in their mind and not reality, might or most likely will not have the desired effect. Concealed carry is one item, but if she is the way you say she is, then I would suggest she start by informing her family of this issue, who they are what they look like, ect, and plan. Don’t leave work alone, ect. It’s the classic case of “if something is going to happen and they’re hell bent on making it happen it will”, the question is are you prepared for it and have a counter measure in place?

She needs to document everything. With the pattern there could be enough for him to be charged with stalking. Also file for and HRO for all family members. Just remember an HRO is not the cure. If he violates he would go to jail but HRO’s are like locks. They only stop the honest.
DT

Definitely file a restraining order.

Sign up for a self defense class immediately!

Not only will she learn how to defend herself but this will also teach her how to think about these events, if & when the time comes that she might actually have to put self defense training to good use.

Planning ahead for such situations can make all the difference in the world.

Best case scenario, she never needs to use her self defense training.

Worst case scenario, it gives her a fighting chance!

As for meeting the person face to face……not to sure about that being a good idea. Doesn’t sound like he’s listening to her already. Why would he listen just because their meeting face to face?

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File a formal complaint at the police department as long as they have already talked to the police. Get it down in writing. Also file an Order for Protection. (Restraining order) Just my opinion.

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X2

I have dealt with this in the past and unfortunately there is no magic answer. The steps we took are mostly already mentioned. Get a restraining order but rember it is just a piece of paper. In my case my wife was issued an emergency permit to carry by the Hennepin Co. Sherrif and she eventually had to take the course to make it permanent. Also all of her co workers and people that she surrounds herself with should be aware of the situation and should know that her personal details shouldnt be shared with anyone. The truth is that ultimately she will have to make her safety her responsiblility. All interactions should be recorded for law enforcement purposes but it takes quite a bit before action can be taken. In my case the individual gave up and left the state. I pray he never comes back. This issue is harder to deal with than some people realize. Good luck to her and her family. Stay diligent.

Since he is mentally ill, he doesn’t necessarily know he is doing anything wrong. His mind is blocking logic and chances are he will continue to press unless stopped in some manner. Chances are if somehow your friend was able to get through to him herself or through authorities, he would shift his focus to someone else. Perhaps someone with less awareness or ability to deal with it. My guess is he won’t stop unless he receives treatment of some sort. Does he have family and friends that could be contacted that could be made aware and perhaps help in getting him admitted to a facility? I would agree with what others have said as precautionary steps as well. You are right to be concerned and the time to act is now! Hope this turns out for the best for all parties. Tough situation for sure.

Yikes.

I would have a carry permit in a hurry.

I’d combine Brain’s suggestion with the others. File all the official complaints, and ask the police to join you in telling the person he is being a bother and wrong. If the police understand there is a mental history, they should consider it. Hearing it with the official there may make all the difference. Now days, if you are seriously concerned for your safety, the LE does not want to take the chance of being wrong, and doing nothing.

I had a relative that was going through something like this, and the police were very quick to contact this individual. It stopped there.

Another good idea… if she is ever being followed say in a vehicle. Use the cell, call 911 and say you are scared for your safety there is a potentially violent person following you. They should respond and stop the driver, and it then gets documented, and can make a difference in future filings for a restraining order, or if something more series happened where a husband or anyone was involved in confronting the person.

The idea of having to be so concerned to carry a gun just sounds wrong – no one should go through that.

The ideal of an old school beating – pretty sure that is just as likely to backfire in any one of a bunch of bad responses.

get a defense-trained German Shepherd, take it with where-ever she can (including places like McDonald’s) … there are ways

John, folks have given you some good advice. Mine is a little different. Mental health problems and people with them often invariably show up at our doorsteps. This guy likely is well known to mental health providers in your area. I would advise your friend to contact these folks and let them know what is going on and if they can advise her about dealing with this guy. I know that no ones first choice in matters like this is to figure out a way to help this guy resolve his current escalation. But a phone call to someone at NAMI might be a step in the right direction.

NAMI Portage/Wood Counties
6617 Old Highway 18
Stevens Point, WI 54482-9162
(715) 592-4522 phone

In recent years stalking has been taken much more seriously. If your friend feels threatened of bodily harm or undo emotional stress insist on charges filed, just don’t file a restraining order. . If local enforcement wont take it serious go to the sheriffs deptment if not there go to the state patrol. Call the commissioner’s office and have them advise you. Do not stop untill the matter is resolved.

Stalking is serious she must be taken serious and must not settle for just a piece of paper sayin no contact.

Next time the person shows up at her place of employment PD needs to be called and have the guy trespassed, each time he shows up. If she is not willing to use a handgun to protect herself then she needs to leave it in the safe. With out the mindset that you will use it if needed you will end up giving them more confidence and probably your weapon.

And of course document,document,document.

I’d also inform her children’s school(s) about this person and potential issues…

It is not illegal to be MI. So document all that this person does, contact with you and others make complaints even if they wont go anywhere. If you need to defend your self’s do so. But remember taking matters in to your own hands may be illegal. And you are liable for your actions. Until this guy acts out there is little you can do. Knowing what you know is not enough for mental health professionals to act. This is one of the barriers to getting MI individuals help before they act with violence. Background checks and gun laws will not help with this, but good mental health laws and professionals will. These individuals should not be ignored It leads to homelessness and street crime of all kinds both victims and preps. Our mental health system in this county sucks. To many barriers but persons do have rights. Tough call until something happens. What is considered harmful to self or others needs to take place before any thing can be done.

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Yikes.

I would have a carry permit in a hurry.

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X2. Hard to reason with someone unstable. Who’s to say this stalker isn’t packing? I would also notify law enforcement and let them know. Thing about police, should they be needed, is they are always 10 minutes away and if you only have 30 seconds between a life and death situation, they don’t do much good. I don’t want to sound cliche, but defending yourself is your number one choice in situations like this and would be how I would handle it.

Maybe get the little lady a key chain pepper spray unit. These are not illegal and can help long enough to get inside a car.

This topic hits home. My girlfriend gained herself a one of those stalking fellas a while back. Not a mentally unstable one by any means, but a stalking personality nonetheless. Funny thing is I was actually partially responsible for their introduction. I had no issues till said person started doing background checks on her, me, and her fathers son. From there it got creepy. Dude buying her earrings,contacting her place of employment when she wouldn’t return calls, etc. even contacted her mother fishing for information and making up stories about her. In general, just making excuses to see her as if he couldn’t get enough. My girlfriend thought he was harmless, as did I… Until he started meddling in her work life and personal life. Eventually she got the clue once she realized what this person was saying and doing behind her back. Needless to say, he is gone and all is good. Not an extreme case like the one you mention. I wish your friend the best in resolving this issue. Lots of creeps out there.

My wife had a couple weirdos in less severe, but similar circumstances. Its when she worked downtown, and had a nice long walk from parking ramps and at all hours of the night. One thing very cool that made both of us feel better about the situation was for someone always to walk out with her to car. A lil embarrassed to ask at first, but she came around to the idea and had some good conversations with people on the way in and out of work that were escorting her. Figure for the husband if they can protect her at work, we can take over the rest of the 16hrs of the day. Good luck to them and hope it works out.

Make sure the tracking is enabled on her phone. Especially the E911 so the police can find her if something does happen!

Nut

To answer a few of the questions / comments.

Hitting the guy up for trespassing is not an option as her work place is a public building. He could be banned from being there possibly.

Her daughter’s school is aware of the issue so that base is covered.

In her last discussion with the police they felt it had gotten to the level where a restraining order needed to be filed, and a visit from an officer was in order, so that probably will happen in the next day or two.

We’ll see what the result of that is. Hopefully not like swatting a hornets nest. She does plan to expedite her acquisition of her carry permit though. I told her to keep her gun in her car with a loaded clip handy until then. Not optimal, but you can slap a clip in and chamber a shell pretty quick, and certainly faster than you can get an officer on location.

Thanks for all the advice. I plan to point her to this thread and have her read it as it is easier than trying to pass along the good information in here.

my wife has a carry permit but chooses to carry a stun gun. a good option and a lot safer. cheap option but effective. you don’t need a permit for a stun gun.

It doesn’t matter if it is a public building if they tell the person to leave and not come back and he comes back that is tresspassing. I would for sure get the cops involved. Sometimes these things can escalate really fast. If you make a complaint to the police and tell them she is fearful of her safety, they should be contacting this person and put him on notice he isn’t welcome in these activities. this is the one case where I would suggest a CC permit.