Friends from IDO

I normally don’t post anything like this but I need some good friends right now. Last friday after work I seen a note on the kitchen table thinking it was a Bday note from my wife. Instead it was I want a DIVORCE note . She said she has not been happy with me for the last 8 months, and wants a divorce. She also said she still loves me but not in love with me. Does this make sence we have been together for almost 15 years. My heart is just totally torn apart. There is no other man she just wants to be independant. I can’t eat, sleep, can’t work in my right stage of mind anyway. She is my soul mate we fish together we do/ did everything together. I basically kissed the ground she walked on. We told our kids who are all married also they were shocked and didn’t see this coming at all no one did. Friends just think of me in this very heart smashing part of my life. Where do I go from here???????

Thanks
Chad

Get ur mind off the crap and get out of the house and do something stay busy

The reality is you have a lot of missery to go through. One day at a time. Breath in and out. Try to focus on good things as much as possible. Good luck.

Sorry for your loss. Keep on truckin and don’t make anybody take any sides. Always take the high road, even when you don’t want too. Karma always comes around, so if you have been good, you might end up meeting a big chested naked mermaid that knows where all the fish are.

Two suggestions after getting kicked in the head.

1) Alcohol never made a problem better.
2) Surround yourself with friends. Bowling, fishing anything so that you aren’t alone. This keeps your mind moving forward.

It’s not my place to comment, but I’m going to anyway. Eight months out of 15 years is a very short time.

Seek clergy and advice… seriously. They can provide a counseling/mediation. Choose someone you both trust who won’t take sides/judge. There are even retreats for situations like yours. Pursue these to either consider reconciliation or how to part ways as healthy as possible. I think even those departing the relationship need to understand if there is hope, or if not, best route to closure. Life is too short to be miserable with unanswered questions.

Was thinking the same thing Brian. 8 months of not liking each other. Sometimes thats a walk in the park.

Sorry to hear about this. Hope all goes well.

On the technical side of things, retain an attorney immediately. I made this mistake when I went through a divorce and it cost me dearly. This is not a time to be “nice”, it is a time to make good business decisions.

When that is done, take the time to greive and stay busy when you are doing it. I will repeat BK’s statement that there are no solutions in the bottom of a bottle. I thought my life was over when I got divorced, but it lead to good things. Stay positive and keep in touch with positive support.

I went throuh a divorce five years ago my advice:

1) Just like BK said don’t let alcohol solve problems
2) Fish, hunt, hang with friends, get out of the house whatever it takes.
3) Give her some space, she is a woman and could change her mind in a few weeks
4) Like Palerider said look at getting an attourney ASAP and start making a list of things and what their value is worth, I seriously lost a ton of $$$$ in mine and ended up in debt and she walked away with cash in hand.
5) Talk to a professional whether it be a councilor or clergy.
6) If you still want to work things out don’t continually ask her what she is doing, who she is doing it with, why why why it will only push her away. Find small subtle ways to keep letting her know you still love her and want to make it work.

Hang in their man it will take some time but you will get things figured out.

I also went through this after 12 years,, Its tough, real tough. I have to agree with BK that 8 months seems odd. but I lost weight, didnt sleep, but I kept busy and you hang with your friends. You have to pack up the memories and put them somewhere. Anything that reminds you of her HAS to be out of site and mind. I spent 2 years just getting my life back.( I caught alot of fish) anyway I meet a girl while walking my dog and we became good friends she also went through a bad divorce.. and 5 years later, she is the best thing that ever happened to me. If there is one thing out of this Its time does heal this!!! Hang in there..

Thanks for all the advise guys. I have a good head on my shoulders and I’m sure with time it will pass. I am going to see a counsler on this ordeal. Maybe with a little help from them it will ease my mind a little better. I know we will not be able to be friends after this is over. I really want to but it’s just not going to work out I have to realize it. Hope to see you all on the water in the spring. I just hope I have a boat to use.

Take care my friends.

Umm…there’s open water and fish on Pool 4 all year…BTW.

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Umm…there’s open water and fish on Pool 4 all year…BTW.

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Always looking on the bright side.

My glass isn’t half empty…just room for more!

To most all of the above comments X2

Been there, done that almost 21 years ago, damm I must getting old.

Anyway, P.M. if you wish and Yes, KARMA has its ways so YES, take the HIGH ROAD, the Low Road is Muddy and Treacherous and will just lead you into deep doom & gloom.

My High Road led to my two daughters (now 30 & 31) both rejecting their mother once they were into their 20’s after their mother had been taking the low road for too long. Mired in lies and deceit about me, my daughters learned the Truth. My Ex has not seen my grandson since he was 3-months old, now 5 ½ and never seen my granddaughter, now almost 2years old. How SAD is that .

Keep your head up, enjoying your fishing & other friends doing what you love.

In my book, Pray and Pray for her too. You’ll feel better soon.

You’re IDO friends are here for ya.

X2

Keep doing whatever it is you love doing and always think of it as her loss not yours. She will be missing on all the good things. Keep your head up and line tight, reel em in.

I’ve also been there too.

It wasn’t easy at all. However even though I am divorced through my persistance and patience we were able to find our way back together and reconnect.

It turns out that she was as miserable as I was while she was gone. We’ve been going to couples counseling, so as to heal the old wounds, and learn how to not make new ones.

Like everyone else has said stay busy and surround yourself with friends and family.

Take Care!!

i have no real expertise in this realm but my father is a marriage counselor of almost 30 years. he says 90% of marriage’s heading towards divorce are solvable. its just a matter of both parties being willing to work things out. most people’s reason for wanting divorce is because they don’t feel loved by the other party. totally fixable.

i recommend seeing if she wants to fix it. if so, find a good counselor in your area.

I’ve been divorced twice. The first time my only concern was to get out. Didn’t listen to my lawyer and basically said “give her what she wants”. Don’t do that. Second divorce, no lawyer but gave in to nothing. Took me 6 years to dig out from the first one, 6 minutes to dig out from the second one.

Divorce is painful and can be expensive. Don’t rush to get it done. You can always undo a divorce if time apart proves it was a mistake, but you can’t undo the cost. Separate for a while and see where it goes before rushing to the divorce court. My only advice.

Hope it works out for both of you. I would guess that she has been feeling a ton of hurt and anger for sometime and likely this was a very hard decision to make. Seeking counseling and getting some supportive therapy for yourself might be a good direction to go.

A lot of guys have had the same experiences, including me. I fell into the trap of trying to figure her out or what could be done and didn’t realize I had a 50/50 part in letting the relationship wither. There must be a better way for men to get a wake up call then divorce, yet we seem to just stroll along fairly oblivious to our blind spots.

You guys are awesome…Great Advice!
One more suggestion, next face to face…let her vent first,
focus on “us” and not “me”… and what can “WE” do get get this turned around?
GOOD LUCK!

Keep your chin up bud and remember, you only have control over yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. And its never over until it is over.

Chad your in a rough spot in life and you have my full support if you need someone to talk to, I am a great listener.

Please keep a level head and post often to keep in touch owith how you are doing.

Your IDO friend Jeff

I wish there was a way for couples not to rush into divorce right away. To me it seems like it is an escape route. My friends I am seeking help thru all of this. They tell me it’s not my fault and to think positive every day. What really throws me a curve ball is our neighbor and best friend to us both, she works with him and won’t even talk to him or look at him now. He has nothing to do with it at all. I keep telling him nothing is going to change between him and me. Again thanks for all the good advise.

Chad

Chad, check this out, have heard good things from others:
http://www.retrouvaille.org

All my life it seems to me that women have the ability to remember something you said or did 20 years ago. At the weirdest times they will remind you of it. For that reason alone I find it hard to understand how relationships can be repaired. How can you just get past all the nasty stuff said during a breakup? It was said, it was heard, how can it be taken back? I don’t know, haven’t figured that one out yet. So, to the situation at hand. She has fired the first shot and like it or not it was a hit. Now you need to protect yourself and the things in life you value. (other then her) As you move forward always assume that things might not turn out the way you want it to. You can stay in contact and try to work through it but at the same time interview lawyers. Stay in contact with family let them know you were there on day 1 and will be there always. Same with friends, let them know you aren’t going anywhere. Don’t say it, but let her figure out that this isn’t going to be a walk in the park for her. You aren’t going to “poof” disappears out of mutual friends lives nor families lives. Make her be the one that has to withdraw. No matter how much this hurts you have to win the mental war sooner or later. Might as well get a leg up now.

Also don’t respond to requests or demands to soon. If she needs a document signed or something switched take your time, make her wait, she is after all a very impatient women.

There is nothing anybody can say that will help right now. Bookmark this thread and go back to it in 5 months and read it again. Things will make more sense as the hurt slips away.

Last, many many guys here have posted about loosing a long time job and having to start over. Almost to a man they come back and say their new job is much better and they are happier then ever! No matter how bleak things look today tomorrow always offers the possibility of sunshine.

Try and take the BrianK approach to life.

Keep your head up and remember there are lots of open seats for a fellow IDO member who needs to escape for a few hours.

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Chad, check this out, have heard good things from others:

http://www.retrouvaille.org

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My wife and I attended this program 3 years ago and it helped save our marriage. Highly recommended to check it out if you want to save your marriage. Feel free to PM for details of my experience or to talk.

X2 to save a marriage.

Also know if the marriage is not save-able they help talk about how best to proceed. I think you’d find their advice better (and cheaper) than the attorneys for each side.

Differing perspective – went thru the big D 18 plus yrs ago when my daughter was 3.5 and son 1.5 yrs old. Not easy at that time but bringing children into our relationship drastically changed our dynamics. I felt it would have been unhealthy to rear them in the 2 worlds apart they now had in front of them. Their mother and I agreed to focus on THEM to give THEM the best life given the change of course.

Jump to today – I’ve been happily married to my current wife Karen (who happens to be my best friend) for 17. Life has never been so good thanks to my great family, friends, fishing and faith.

Not sure you can see that far into the future where you are at today, I remember the confusion, hurt, anger, misunderstanding, fear all coming at you at once and the lack of clarity it provided on where to go from here. Like many have said if you lean on friends and family you will regain your clarity and life will begin to turn around.

You’ve done what I feel is the most important part. Reach out to people you can trust and get some help so you don’t take on the burdens of the world which only complicates matters more. Lots of good advise from many different perspectives. Try some on and you might find a few short cuts to getting life back in order. Wishing you the best! Kurt