<div class=”d4p-bbt-quote-title”>Snap wrote:</div>
Confucius say, man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.Confucius say, man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Confucius say, man who pees on electric fence get shocking news.
I grew up when party lines were the thing in telephones and remember my grandmother wanting to call someone and finding a neighbor on the line for a long time, and Grandma frustrated saying the woman was “windier than a cob”.
A cob is a male swan and they’re well known for long, drawn-out hissing loudly when approached.
Was it over when the Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor
– John “Bluto” Blutarsky
Confucius say: Man with Hot Rod Burn Rubber
What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A Shoe.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. – George Carlin
Seems very appropriate in 2020.
If God had not meant us to masturbate, he’d have made our arms shorter.
– George Carlin
Explains why T-rexs are always cranky
Back in my trolling days I’d walk up to the best looking lady in the bar and try to start conversation by buying her a drink, then typically followed up with… “I may not be the best looking guy in the bar, but I’m the only one talking to you.” Rarely worked, but I thought I was funny.
What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots??
nope covid, cant smell
Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy.
What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A Shoe.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Atch
Atch Who?
God bless you.
Confucuis say, man who goes through turn-stall sideways at airport is going to Bangkok.
What did Spock say when he went into the bathroom?—–Captain’s log.
What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots??
I thought it was “I heard the snow blowers coming by”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello
I heard this one at the local watering hole a few years back:
Guy: “What do you get when you cross goat DNA with human DNA?”
Bartender: “I don’t know?”
Guy: “…I’m not sure either, but I got kicked out of the petting zoo”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello
This is fantastic!! 😂😂😂
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
What did the pirate say when he turned eighty?
“Aye-matey”
———————————-
Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes on the side of all their ships?
“To scan-da-navy-in”
———————————-
Guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck and orders a beer. Bartender says “sure, but don’t be trying to start anything around here.”
Is your refrigerator running? Well then you better go and get it!
Not the best by any means but that is what a spam caller left on my voicemail today. I got a chuckle out of it. I was expecting a message about my car warranty.
Wow when I was a kid we used this line all the time. Would call an elderly lady up, pretend to be a Rep for Whirlpool, ask if your refrigerator is running, answer was always “Yes it is” reply was you better go catch it! Then hang up!
These pants are like a cheap hotel. No ball room.
Funny story about a one liner.
In college our group had a guy who came from a big city and wasn’t much of a ladies man. One night we were drinking at our local bar and he approached a group of girls while we all watched, out of ear shot. Next thing we know one of the gals hauls off and slaps him right there on the dance floor. Buddy turns around with a huge grin on his face and walks back to our table. Of course we ask him what he said and the conversation went like this:
Tim – “Excuse me would you like to dance?”
Gal – “No!!!”
Tim – “I think you misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants”
Sex on TV isn’t dangerous unless you fall off.
Auto correct can be your worst enema
I used to play Water Polo… until my horse drowned.
Not a one liner but close enough.
In the summers during college I worked for a house painter. Was at a party in socio-economic group a rung or two higher than I normally hung out in. I was chatting up an attractive woman.
She asked, “What do you do for work?”
I said, “I’m a painter.”
She asked, “Oils or watercolors?”
I said, “Houses.”
She turned and walked away. I still chuckle about it 30 years later. 
Termite walks into a bar and asks
“Is the Bartender here?”
A buddy of Mine in high school would often ask a girl if she would like to dance. if she said No he would say ” OH come on, don’t be choosy – I wasn’t )
Sex on TV isn’t dangerous unless you fall off.
confucuis say ” Boy who goes to bed with sex problem on mind wakes up with solution in hand ”
Confucius say, man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Because I’m still 12 on the inside:
“Man who go to sleep with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.”
W.C. Fields
“It was a woman that drove me to drinking and I haven’t been back to thank her yeeet”
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