Best One Liners

Been passing one liners back and forth with my wife’s uncle. What are your favorites?

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a hole?

A: Phil

luttes wrote:

Been passing one liners back and forth with my wife’s uncle. What are your favorites?

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a hole?

A: Phil

on your doorstep.. Matt
in a hot tub ….. Stu
In a lake … Bob
hanging on the wall.. Art
in a pile of leaves.. Russel
on a poker table.. Chip
with a drill bit in his teeth.. Chuck

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods ?

Two cannibals are eating a clown. one asked the other, does this taste funny to you?

Jeff Gilberg wrote:

<div class=”d4p-bbt-quote-title”>luttes wrote:</div>
Been passing one liners back and forth with my wife’s uncle. What are your favorites?

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a hole?

A: Phil

on your doorstep.. Matt
in a hot tub ….. Stu
In a lake … Bob
hanging on the wall.. Art
in a pile of leaves.. Russel
on a poker table.. Chip
with a drill bit in his teeth.. Chuck

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods ?

Two cannibals are eating a clown. one asked the other, does this taste funny to you?

… holding a fishing line. Rod
… that is no longer here. Ben
… hit with a baseball bat. Homer
… sitting next to a pile of dirt. Doug
… leaving a bank. Rob
… in a mailbox. Bill

Q: What does the Buffalo say when he drops his boy off at school?

A: Bye-Son!

Red Fox trying to get time with his lady in a noisy house full of kids: “Can’t a guy get a piece and some quiet?”

What kinda cheese isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese.

What did the psychiatrist say when a man entered his clinic dressed in saran wrap?

I can clearly see your nuts.

mahtofire14 wrote:

I can clearly see your nuts.

……and Sharon M would say “….you’re nuts.”

-J.

To many 1 liners to count on Letterkenny

Herbert Hoover was famous for not saying much. He was approached by a woman who said “I made a bet that I could get you to say three words”.

Hoover replied “You lose”.

SR

I woke up with a headache this morning, but she went back to bed.

I know a guy who’s a roofer, he’s always getting the shingles.

Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic who had insomnia?
He would stay up late wondering if there really was a dog.

What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots??

Some days I wake up grumpy, some days I let her sleep.

Jon Jordan wrote:

<div class=”d4p-bbt-quote-title”>mahtofire14 wrote:</div>
I can clearly see your nuts.

……and Sharon M would say “….you’re nuts.”

-J.

Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.

Tougher than woodpecker lips
I take my wife everywhere……..just so I don’t have to kiss her goodbye…

Everything I have is for sale except my wife, her I’ll give to ya.

Haha these are great!!

bigstorm wrote:

To many 1 liners to count on Letterkenny

Old boss is always a dick till you meet the new one

I have a great redhead joke that’d I’d share but we have one amongst us Some good blonde jokes too, but I’m not taking any chances

Anyways….

Why don’t crows ever get hit by cars???

Because their buddy is in the tree yelling “Car! Car! Car!”

Confucius say, man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Snap wrote:

Confucius say, man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius say, man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Ever have sex while camping? It’s f#%king intents….

How many dead people buried in that cemetery?………all of them.

It’s a free country if you can afford to live here!

If you’re in good enough shape to run 3 miles a day, you’re in good enough shape to not to!

Thick as a beer can, short as a pencil erase.

luttes wrote:

<div class=”d4p-bbt-quote-title”>Jeff Gilberg wrote:</div>

<div class=”d4p-bbt-quote-title”>luttes wrote:</div>
Been passing one liners back and forth with my wife’s uncle. What are your favorites?

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a hole?

A: Phil

on your doorstep.. Matt
in a hot tub ….. Stu
In a lake … Bob
hanging on the wall.. Art
in a pile of leaves.. Russel
on a poker table.. Chip
with a drill bit in his teeth.. Chuck

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods ?

Two cannibals are eating a clown. one asked the other, does this taste funny to you?

… holding a fishing line. Rod
… that is no longer here. Ben
… hit with a baseball bat. Homer
… sitting next to a pile of dirt. Doug
… leaving a bank. Rob
… in a mailbox. Bill

…Two guys above a window. Curt an Rod

Q: How was the mechanic able to turn his dishwasher into a snowblower?

A: He walked into the kitchen and handed his wife a shovel.

Confucius say, man who live in glass house should change his clothes in the basement.

OK, not sure if this qualifies as a one-liner, but I thought it was really good. This takes a little setup, but there is a payoff.

Mrs. Grouse grew up in New Zealand and her uncle Rex had an injection and hydro pump rebuilding business on the South Island in Invercargill. Keep in mind, when you are this far south, you are closer to Antarctica than you are any other major land mass.

The South Island is pretty remote and the people are very independent, and the one thing that South Islander’s HATE is what they call the “Shiny Shoes from Auckland”–guys showing up from the North Island and treating everyone like an idiot.

So one day Rex is working and the usual gang of retired guys are leaning on his shop counter giving advice. And then the Shiny Shoes from Auckland shows up, a “project manager” for a construction firm from the North.

Rex: “G’day. How’s she going?” (yes, they really say that down there)

Shiny Shoes: “Awful mate, just bloody awful. Got a Cat down, nobody in this Godforsaken hell hole can work on her, and there’s no bloody parts and nobody that would know how to install them if we got them. The damn pump is bad and it took me flying down from Civilization just to tell these plonkers that. No blood sense of urgency, everybody down here barely raises dust when they walk.”

Rex: “Well, other than that, how do you like our little paradise down here in Invercargill?”

Shiny Shoes: “No offense, mate, but it’s the arsehole of the universe, really.”

Rex: “Oh, well you’ll just be passing through then.”

There you go.

Grouse

If God had not meant us to masturbate, he’d have made our arms shorter.
– George Carlin